I get into a cycle of shame when I try to beat myself out of sad and into gratitude. Constantly need to relearn that each feeling has its place, and needs to be felt. It can’t be beaten out of me with gratitude.
Painting with lots of colour helps me to keep going. The not-good-enough story is working hard to perpetuate itself today. I need to get under the sun.
I want you to have this painting. Make me an offer. ❤️
I consistently believe I am not beautiful.
I consistently believe I am not a real artist, not enough, too much, too hard on myself, and on and on.
I consistently have a need to be right.
I consistently lack trust in what others say (especially those things that oppose my above beliefs) because of this need to be right.
I consistently judge my beliefs and stories and patterns and wish to be done with them.
I consistently am reminded that these parts of me aren’t going away and I need to find healthier ways of dealing with them.
I consistently remember that I have all the tools I need to deal with these parts of myself, I just don’t always choose to use them.
I consistently worry about people getting tired of my shit and leaving me, and being lonely and missing connection.
At least I’m consistent.
Except when I’m not.
Because sometimes, I have days when I do believe I make a difference, I do believe I am enough, I do believe I have every right to be here, I do believe I can take care of myself, I do believe there is a good reason for you to love me.
To learn more about the SelfLove365 project, click here.
To join the SelfLove365 project, click here.
Yesterday I felt strong, today I feel overwhelmed.
I want support, and I fear I am being too much.
My perception of who I am is cracking and the old me is desperately clinging on, raging, being really nasty.
This painting I completed yesterday has a little of everything: childhood images of safety, recent exploration of sexual healing, proclamations of self-love and windows of vulnerability.
“I Need To Know if I Am Bad or Good” 24″ x 24″, $750
Hello, Gremlin, my friend. You are the dude who likes to whisper (and sometimes yell) worries and doubts and insecurities and stories into my ear. You’re the one who is scared and doesn’t trust the world, and so you think you’re protecting me by making me feel shitty before I have a real reason for feeling shitty. I appreciate the work you do, and I am doing my best to keep you feeling safe instead. Most of all, I’m doing my best to let you know that, just like all my other parts,
YOU ARE LOVED.
To learn more about the SelfLove365 project, click here.
To join the SelfLove365 project, click here.
As long as there is light, the shadow will follow me around. The shadow contains my stories, my baggage, my traumas, my hurts, my failures, my reactions, my grievances, my denials, my shame, and all of my dark stuff. The brighter I allow my world to be (and I have been allowing more light in these days), the more defined my shadow becomes. It is becoming easier and easier to spot, and sometimes I can see it before others do. This gives me freedom, and choice, and the ability to create my life consciously.
To learn more about the SelfLove365 project, click here.
To join the SelfLove365 project, click here.
Yesterday I facilitated a wonderful 3-hour private painting session with Cindy. We both had a great time, and were pleased with the two paintings we each created. Cindy gave me a wonderful testimonial on Facebook, even.
So why am I judging myself today?
It’s the same old story and voices: “You don’t know what you’re doing”, “You didn’t do enough for her”, “You charge too much”, “You’ll never make a living this way”. For some reason, (likely due to perfectionism!) I have a belief that I can banish these stories forever. That if I can do the “right” work, they will disappear. It’s becoming more apparent to me (I get many opportunities to face my stories) that the voices and stories may never disappear; they are a part of me. What I can see, though, is that my reaction to them is changing. I am less likely to get attached to the story, which means the emotion doesn’t really have a chance to get a hold of me. I notice that the voices are there, and now I see the choice: I can choose to dive in, and really feel shitty, or I can choose to access my strengths and take note of what IS working in my life.
In short, I can allow the voices to be there, and I can choose how to react.
“Allow” 16″ x 20″
This painting, “Allow”, is now up for auction!
16″ x 20″
Starting bid: $100
Shipping not included. ($30 Canada, $40 US)
Please enter your bid in the comment section of this post. Bidding ends today at 11:59 pm M.S.T., Wednesday, December 3, 2014.
Thank you!
Much love,
Bel
xo
Last night, I realized I didn’t trust my friend, B. He told me he would do something, and I questioned him. Then I apologized for being suspicious, but realized it goes deeper than that. I just don’t believe him.
When I started to think about this, I realized that it isn’t just him that I don’t believe, it is everybody. I don’t trust anybody. This becomes readily apparent when I receive compliments or positive feedback. B told me many things last night: He loves being with me, and is so happy he knows me. In the moment of hearing these things, I felt warm and fuzzy, but the insidious voices in my head were already creeping back in to tell me that this is all false. So really, it’s not that I don’t trust him, but rather, I don’t even trust myself. I don’t trust that my being can be good enough, loveable enough, or wanted enough for these messages to be true. I should add here that I do also have a deep (as in buried really, really far down) knowing within myself that I am good enough, loveable enough and wanted enough, and this part is at my core, but very easily covered over by the dark fog of memories and hurts that are easily triggered during my life.
From Project SelfLove365
Several days ago, B suggested to me that I smudge my mental body. Doing this visualization was wonderful – I was able to really see my mental space, and all its dark and dirty corners. As I cleared it out, I felt lighter and the space became cleaner and brighter. Eventually my mental body became a bright open room, with sun streaming in the windows, and a beautiful crystal hanging from the ceiling, reflecting rainbows on all the walls. Immediately after clearing the space, those insidious voices I spoke of tried to creep back in (they became dustballs with eyes) to dirty my mental space again. I quickly realized how much work it takes to keep this space clean.
I recently separated from my husband, so I decided I would also smudge my house (I am speaking of my actual physical house now, not some imaginary thing). This felt cleansing, especially after opening all the windows to air it out afterwards. It seemed to me that by smudging my mental body and my house, I am treating these spaces as sacred. I have the intention to keep these spaces clean, knowing full well that I may let things slide once in awhile and will then need to do some more heavy work.
From Project SelfLove365
Thinking about sacred space made me realize that I have not been treating my body as sacred space. Some of my decisions in the past few days have pushed my body to follow its desires rather than its needs. When there is something I want to do, I have a tendency to ignore my body, and to not check in to see what it needs first (especially sleep). By not listening to my body’s physical sensations, I am not allowing any sort of positive feedback loop to occur (only the unwanted one in which I keep ignoring my body and then I get sick). By not allowing this to happen, I am also not giving myself the chance to trust myself. How can I really be a “HELL YES” to something if my body is saying no? If I am not really a “HELL YES”, then how can anyone trust my answer, especially me, if I can’t even trust it? If I can’t trust myself how can I trust anybody?
This is worth repeating.
If I can’t trust myself, how can I trust anybody?
So, how can I trust myself? I am beginning to ask my body the question and listen for the response. It will come. Right now, my body wants to dance.
SelfLove365: Day 195
During a healing session with Roxanne, she asked me to go into the well in my heart. This visualization was very clear for me: the well was deep, dark, damp, and scary. I entered it from a vast library, and as I went down into the well, with Roxanne at my side, I was scared, but she encouraged me to go to the bottom (I didn’t think there was a bottom, but she assured me there was one). Once I was there, I found a book on the ground: “Peter Pan”. This seemed odd to me, at first, until I remembered that I used to listen to the soundtrack often, when I was a child. I opened it, and turned to two parts in the story. One was the scene where Wendy and her brothers are first leaping from the window, into the sky. The other was the image of Wendy sewing Peter’s shadow to him. Both of these had meaning for me, which Roxanne explained, but I already knew the meanings intuitively, too. The image of sewing on the shadow was particularly important to me – I can claim my shadow side, and know that it also helps others create a clearer view of themselves, and in this way, it is a gift.
SelfLove365: Day 191
Today I met one of my gremlins. A friend helped me to access the feeling in body around “alone-ness”. This is what I discovered. It was quite large to begin, and without a face. Eventually, it shrunk, and grew a face, and became quite loveable.
After taking on the 365 Project last year (one self portrait a day for a year), I wanted to continue with some kind of daily project. I really loved the rhythm created by having something to do each day, the creativity involved in making each photograph unique, and the collection amassed (and sense of satisfaction at having completed it) at the end of the project.
I considered doing some kind of gratitude project, like Lori Portka’s “A Hundred Thank-Yous”, where she created 100 paintings for people she treasured in her life. At some point, I will do a similar project, but what occurred to me is that I need to love myself before I can really love and give to others in such a big way.
This is a question that has been on my mind for a long time: Do I love myself? Sometimes it feels like the answer is no. The voices in my head are so nasty sometimes, so critical, that it hardly feels like love. On the other hand, I go out to dance once or twice a week, I am doing the thing I love the most (painting), I go to the gym every other day, and I eat relatively well (but lets not get into food now, because food is my go-to source of love when I am down). Those things all sound like I take care of myself, that I am doing things that show love for myself, right?
This is where the critical voices come in, saying, “You aren’t doing it right”, “You still aren’t good enough”, “If you loved yourself, you would just know it”, “If you loved yourself, you wouldn’t need to do this project”.
Bullshit.
And so, Selflove365 was born. I am drawing something I love (or like) about myself in a 1″ x 1″ square per day, every day of this year. The first 15 days were pretty easy, but then it felt like I could hit a wall soon, and run out of things I like. So far, I haven’t, and if that happens, surely I can still find something, even if it’s my fingernail. I sit at my desk and allow it to come to me, rather than planning ahead, the same way that I paint.
I’m curious about how or if I will change by the end of the year. Two of my friends have joined me in this project, one of whom is sharing her squares (as I do) on Facebook. Will you join me? I also post my squares everyday on Instagram. Tag your photos with #selflove365 so we can encourage and support each other!
Drawn From the Fire 