I keep feeling like I need to add to the world to “earn my keep”, to have any value: that somehow I’m not intrinsically valuable as I am. I feel small somedays, and I’ve been told I’m just another cog in the wheel, but even a 10,000 piece puzzle isn’t complete if a piece goes missing.
Resource (what are my resources? Remember them).
In-breath (let life breathe me in).
Let it be and see what comes.
Circle and circle and circle and circle.
Build momentum. Be the momentum.
Let myself be carried by the inertia of life.
I am bleeding back into the Earth.
Movement fosters change. Movement IS change.
The only thing I am sure of in this life is change, and in the moments that I am stuck, I know that movement can pull me through.
Dancing allows my body to move, to express, to pluck me out of a frozen state by revealing its deepest joys and sorrows.
Part of my personal motto this year is to FEEL DEEPLY, and that includes the painful stuff, too. I don’t wish to inflict pain upon myself to do this. Well, that’s not entirely true – part of the reason I enjoy getting tattoos is to experiment with how I deal with the physical pain, and to be curious about it. In fact, the last time, I noticed that halfway through the tattoo, the pain turned into pleasure!
However, I do wish to allow myself to feel whatever comes up in the moment. Resisting feelings, as I’ve done in the past, hasn’t worked so well for me; instead of moving through the feeling into something else, I wind up stuck in it. Being stuck, or frozen, leads to fear. Arguably, it’s the fear that leads to the resistance in the first place, but I think more precisely, it’s my reaction to the fear (resisting it) that translates into even more fear. It’s like that saying, “What you resist, persists”. So true. Because I grew up thinking I shouldn’t feel anything (having been told, “Don’t cry”, or “Don’t be upset”), I become afraid of feelings, worried they may take over, that they will become too painful to bear, and that I will never escape. Such is the same with physical pain; when my back is in pain, I have a belief that it will never end.
The more I can build the habit of allowing the feelings to move through me, to see that they don’t last forever, and to know that there is something else to feel on the other side of the pain, then the more I can accept, and let go of, the pain.
How do I give more of myself to this world? How can I be more compassionate? How can I get out of my own way? What do I need to do to feel my oneness with all beings? Can I allow this moment to be what it is without resisting or trying to change it?
It’s not often that I give myself the gift of relaxation – true relaxation, where I am not thinking of all the things I “should” be doing. Yet, this is something I crave: time to chill out, on my bed or outside, reading a book, knitting, or napping. Why is it so hard to give myself this opportunity? When will I be able to let go of the “shoulds”?