SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 365: Complete

I did it! One whole year of writing once a day, every day, about self love. I’m not sure if I am any closer to loving myself than I was on January 1st, and I don’t know how to quantify how I’ve grown from this experience, but it feels good to have stuck with it, to have been creative daily, to have pushed myself to write and share it all publicly, even though I harshly criticize my own work.

I feel happy to have heard from people throughout the year, encouraging me to stick with it, quoting my work when they felt it was meaningful, telling me when something touched them, and above all, letting me know I was heard.

This year’s project is complete. And even if I don’t always feel it, I, too, am complete.

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SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 364: Accept

Sometimes I feel like this self love journey hasn’t helped me one bit. I still struggle, at times, to accept my imperfect body, my inability to always get things done right the first time, and to accept that I am actually loveable and likeable exactly as I am. Often, I find I am more willing to accept my disbelief that I am loveable, my disbelief that I am wanted and desired by my lover, my disbelief that I am perfect as I am: perfectly imperfect.

Why is it so hard for me to move past this disbelief? Because I’ve believed otherwise for 43 years, and my stories have kept me safe from being hurt by others. Why can’t I just let go of the disbelief once and for all? Because I fear that if I say I’m letting go of it, and then it comes back, I will believe I have failed.

Am I willing to suspend my disbelief long enough to allow myself to feel loved by others?
Will I accept that others speak truthfully to me?
Will I accept that I am worthy of love?
Will I accept that I am imperfect?
Will I accept me, as I am, right now?

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SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 363: this thing called self

This whole journey of self love is based on the premise that there is a self to love.

If there is a self to love, who is it that is loving this self of mine?
Is the self who is receiving the love a different entity than the one who is giving it?
If the love I feel for another is really a reflection of the love I have for myself, then what is the love I have for myself?
Is it even possible to love my self?
Are these questions just another way I avoid loving myself?

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SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 362: Contact

First point of contact: I see you. I am seen. I am worthy of being seen.
Second point of contact: I hear you. I am heard. I am worthy of being heard.
Third point of contact: I touch you. I am touched. I am worthy of being touched.
Fourth point of contact: I love you. I am loved. I am worthy of being loved.

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SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 361: (stars)

“We are all made of stars” – Moby
“I am you and you are me” – Nine Inch Nails

Knowing we are all made of the same stuff, however that happened, helps me get through the challenging moments. I feel less alone, and part of a greater thing than the tiny, singular universe that I inhabit.

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SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 360: Efficient in the Kitchen

I feel good about my skills in the kitchen. I’m no chef, and I probably don’t use a knife properly, but I am organized and timely, and able to get several dishes cooked and ready at the same time. Yay, me!

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SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 359: Boundaries

I would like to set up some boundaries for the voices in my head that tell me I’m not enough. If they were an actual person in my life, I would not see them as often, if at all; I would not allow them to speak to me the way they do. It is time to say no, and to defend myself against the abuse they serve me.

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SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 358: Desire

It has taken me almost my entire life to accept that I have desire, that it is not a bad thing to want something, and to actually be able to feel and enjoy the wanting. This has been a huge step towards self-love.

I’m still learning that having desire doesn’t mean I am not a generous person; wanting something doesn’t mean I will get it, and; desire and need can be difficult to differentiate.

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SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 357: Connection

I want to connect with you.
I also fear losing that connection, so sometimes I stop trying to get it, as if the pain will be any less because I’m the one closing off, rather than you. It isn’t any easier though. Either way, I am no longer connected to you, and it hurts. Either way, I am no longer getting what I want, what I need. I have to keep reminding myself to stay open.

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SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 356: Good enough

I used to think that “doing my best” meant aiming for perfection. I am learning that my best will vary highly, depending on my circumstances, and that whatever I am able to give is good enough. Even if I can barely do anything, it’ll be good enough. For me, anyways. I need to balance what I achieve for others, with what I do for myself. These past few days, I have been giving a lot of myself, mainly to my sick children, with very little, if anything, left over for me.

I still notice voices in my head telling me it’s not enough. I’m running around getting my kids to see doctors, pick up their medicine, give them hugs, make them meals, help them get to sleep, and somehow it’s still not enough. Why? Because we haven’t been relaxing and watching Christmas movies. Because I forgot to make latkes for Hanukah. Because I somehow always find a way to prove that I am lacking, when it comes to my children. But I need to remind myself that it’s enough. That I’m enough.

But then I started thinking (because what good would these voices be if they couldn’t find something else to pick apart?) that I am not doing enough for me. All I’ve wanted these past few days is a moment to relax and I haven’t taken it. Again, I need to remind myself, I need to know, I need to hear, that what I am doing is good enough.

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