Category Archives: Growth

Allow & Auction

Yesterday I facilitated a wonderful 3-hour private painting session with Cindy. We both had a great time, and were pleased with the two paintings we each created. Cindy gave me a wonderful testimonial on Facebook, even.

So why am I judging myself today?
It’s the same old story and voices: “You don’t know what you’re doing”, “You didn’t do enough for her”, “You charge too much”, “You’ll never make a living this way”. For some reason, (likely due to perfectionism!) I have a belief that I can banish these stories forever. That if I can do the “right” work, they will disappear. It’s becoming more apparent to me (I get many opportunities to face my stories) that the voices and stories may never disappear; they are a part of me. What I can see, though, is that my reaction to them is changing. I am less likely to get attached to the story, which means the emotion doesn’t really have a chance to get a hold of me. I notice that the voices are there, and now I see the choice: I can choose to dive in, and really feel shitty, or I can choose to access my strengths and take note of what IS working in my life.

In short, I can allow the voices to be there, and I can choose how to react.

"Allow" 16" x 20"

“Allow” 16″ x 20″

This painting, “Allow”, is now up for auction!

16″ x 20″

Starting bid: $100

Shipping not included. ($30 Canada, $40 US)

Please enter your bid in the comment section of this post. Bidding ends today at 11:59 pm M.S.T., Wednesday, December 3, 2014.

Thank you!

Much love,
Bel
xo

Sacred Space and Trust

Last night, I realized I didn’t trust my friend, B. He told me he would do something, and I questioned him. Then I apologized for being suspicious, but realized it goes deeper than that. I just don’t believe him.

When I started to think about this, I realized that it isn’t just him that I don’t believe, it is everybody. I don’t trust anybody. This becomes readily apparent when I receive compliments or positive feedback. B told me many things last night: He loves being with me, and is so happy he knows me. In the moment of hearing these things, I felt warm and fuzzy, but the insidious voices in my head were already creeping back in to tell me that this is all false. So really, it’s not that I don’t trust him, but rather, I don’t even trust myself. I don’t trust that my being can be good enough, loveable enough, or wanted enough for these messages to be true. I should add here that I do also have a deep (as in buried really, really far down) knowing within myself that I am good enough, loveable enough and wanted enough, and this part is at my core, but very easily covered over by the dark fog of memories and hurts that are easily triggered during my life.

From Project SelfLove365

From Project SelfLove365

Several days ago, B suggested to me that I smudge my mental body. Doing this visualization was wonderful – I was able to really see my mental space, and all its dark and dirty corners. As I cleared it out, I felt lighter and the space became cleaner and brighter. Eventually my mental body became a bright open room, with sun streaming in the windows, and a beautiful crystal hanging from the ceiling, reflecting rainbows on all the walls. Immediately after clearing the space, those insidious voices I spoke of tried to creep back in (they became dustballs with eyes) to dirty my mental space again. I quickly realized how much work it takes to keep this space clean.

I recently separated from my husband, so I decided I would also smudge my house (I am speaking of my actual physical house now, not some imaginary thing). This felt cleansing, especially after opening all the windows to air it out afterwards. It seemed to me that by smudging my mental body and my house, I am treating these spaces as sacred. I have the intention to keep these spaces clean, knowing full well that I may let things slide once in awhile and will then need to do some more heavy work.

From Project SelfLove365

From Project SelfLove365

Thinking about sacred space made me realize that I have not been treating my body as sacred space. Some of my decisions in the past few days have pushed my body to follow its desires rather than its needs. When there is something I want to do, I have a tendency to ignore my body, and to not check in to see what it needs first (especially sleep). By not listening to my body’s physical sensations, I am not allowing any sort of positive feedback loop to occur (only the unwanted one in which I keep ignoring my body and then I get sick). By not allowing this to happen, I am also not giving myself the chance to trust myself. How can I really be a “HELL YES” to something if my body is saying no? If I am not really a “HELL YES”, then how can anyone trust my answer, especially me, if I can’t even trust it? If I can’t trust myself how can I trust anybody?

This is worth repeating.
If I can’t trust myself, how can I trust anybody?

So, how can I trust myself? I am beginning to ask my body the question and listen for the response. It will come. Right now, my body wants to dance.

Trust

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“Trust”, 8″ x 10″, $250

How do I keep moving forward in the uncertainty of this world?
I need to trust.

How can I know that everything will work out exactly as it is supposed to work out?
I need to trust.

How can I see that what I am doing is the right thing?
I need to trust.

How can I hear my own truth when the voices of others are so loud?
I need to trust.

How can I feel what is deep inside me, and allow it to enter the world?
I need to trust.

I trust that the universe will support me.
I trust that all that I need will be provided.
I trust in me.

I need to trust.

Communication and Vulnerability

Yesterday I experienced two very different forms of communication:

1. Two people talking to each other, one was angry (but not at the other), and both were speaking at the same time, over each other, each trying to have their stories heard. I felt myself becoming over-stimulated, and backing away. I wanted to leave, because I could see how neither person was hearing the other, and this made me sad and overwhelmed.

2. I delivered a painting to an acquaintance of mine, and we began to talk. The more we talked, the more openly we each shared, and at one point, I realized just how well this man was listening to me. He asked thoughtful questions, and listened with intent. I felt seen, I felt heard, I felt safe. This allowed me to be vulnerable, and to share some things with him that, before yesterday, I didn’t think I would have. He also allowed himself to be vulnerable and share with me.

Vulnerability is one of my core values, and I surround myself with people who have the ability to be vulnerable, to share their deepest truths. This helps me to grow, to be seen, and to connect with others.

Watch Brene Brown’s TED talk on the Power of Vulnerability here.

Sewing on my Shadow

SelfLove365: Day 195

During a healing session with Roxanne, she asked me to go into the well in my heart. This visualization was very clear for me: the well was deep, dark, damp, and scary. I entered it from a vast library, and as I went down into the well, with Roxanne at my side, I was scared, but she encouraged me to go to the bottom (I didn’t think there was a bottom, but she assured me there was one). Once I was there, I found a book on the ground: “Peter Pan”. This seemed odd to me, at first, until I remembered that I used to listen to the soundtrack often, when I was a child. I opened it, and turned to two parts in the story. One was the scene where Wendy and her brothers are first leaping from the window, into the sky. The other was the image of Wendy sewing Peter’s shadow to him. Both of these had meaning for me, which Roxanne explained, but I already knew the meanings intuitively, too. The image of sewing on the shadow was particularly important to me – I can claim my shadow side, and know that it also helps others create a clearer view of themselves, and in this way, it is a gift.

20140714-233648-85008409.jpg

Gratitude Tuesday :: Tree Hugging

I’ve never hugged a tree in my life. Until yesterday.

As I was leaving the gym, I felt drawn to Griffith Woods, a beautiful forest-y spot with trails located, a short drive from my home. I walked a few minutes into the woods, and discovered this tree.

IMG_1738

You know, thinking about hugging a tree, and actually hugging a tree are completely different things, as I discovered. I felt my heart open – it seemed as though I could feel the life force of the tree, or all that came before it that made up the tree. It felt like a connection to the Source, to the Universe, and my tears flowed in gratitude. I know it sounds hokey in writing, but it was a beautiful experience. I love that tree.

Tree hugger. From my project #selflove365

Tree hugger. #selflove365

The Hole.

There is a hole inside me.
It wanted to be filled, and I have tried to fill it.
I’ve tried filling it with other people’s words, other people’s actions.
I’ve tried filling it with my own affirmations, my own actions.
Nothing worked.
It’s still there.

IMG_1128

Day 98: The hole. #selflove365

I always thought the hole needed filling.

It doesn’t.

Excerpt from “The Book of Awakening” by Mark Nepo, April 8, p. 116, Red Wheel/Weiser, 2000.
“In keeping the center of the I empty,
the miracle of life can enter and heal.

It’s not by chance that the dark center of the human eye, the pupil, is actually an empty hole through which the world becomes known to us. Likewise, in a spiritual sense, the I is the empty center through which we see everything. It’s revealing that such a threshold is called a pupil, for it is only when we are emptied of all noise and dreams of ego that we become truly teachable.”

Even with the hole, I am whole.