Author Archives: belknits

About belknits

38-ish mother of 3, artist, and creator of crafty stuff made out of paper, glue, yarn, and other things. Always trying to be a better me... and always trying to accept myself for who I am RIGHT NOW.

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 141: LearningGrowing

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I surround myself with people who are committed to growth, and who know the perfect questions to ask at the perfect moments. Today, one of these friends asked me whether I am able explain what value my art brings to this world, and I realized that until I am able to answer that, I am stuck.

I have been realizing, during the process of separation from my husband, with discussions of support, that I still don’t value my contribution to the world as an artist. Even at a young age (as stated in my Grade 3 autobiography, in fact), I thought that being an artist was an unwise career move because it doesn’t pay well. Somehow, through my lifetime, I have been taught, and have accepted, that artists do not contribute anything worthwhile (worth paying for) to our society.

For a long time, I have been feeling like there’s something holding me back from my own success, and now I think I’ve found it. I thought it was simply a story about not being a good enough artist, but this goes well beyond my own capacities as an artist. Once again, I am looking at my value, my worth. How to dismantle this story and build anew is a new challenge for me.

I am learning. I am growing.

To learn more about the SelfLove365 project, click here.
To join the SelfLove365 project, click here.

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 140: Awareness

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I am becoming more aware of my habitual patterns of behaviour.

I notice how, by trying to help someone feel better, they wind up feeling worse because I am denying their feelings (by essentially saying, “You needn’t feel that way because of …”).

I notice how, when I don’t like something someone else is doing, I will wait to see if it changes, and push away my own feelings, because I have a fear that by speaking up, the other person will become angry, or no longer like me.

I notice how, day after day, I deny myself the things I really want: more sleep, more reading, more pleasure, less procrastination and distraction.

I also notice how my awareness of these things is becoming more and more finely tuned. I am aware of my behaviours closer the the times they actually happen, and sometimes even during. Eventually my awareness (I hope) will be such that I see the behaviours before they happen, and then have the capacity to choose my next move.

To learn more about the SelfLove365 project, click here.
To join the SelfLove365 project, click here.

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 139: Yes

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I want to say yes to life.
I want to say yes to me.
I want to say yes to change and growth.
I want to say yes to opening my heart.
I want to say yes to stepping outside my comfort zone.
I want to say yes to trying new things.
I want to say yes to all of my feelings.
I want to say yes to pleasure.
I want to say yes to me, and to you, and especially to everyone I compare myself to.

Enough with the wanting. I’m doing it.

I now say yes to life.
I now say yes to me.
I now say yes to change and growth.
I now say yes to opening my heart.
I now say yes to stepping outside my comfort zone.
I now say yes to trying new things.
I now say yes to all of my feelings.
I now say yes to pleasure.
I now say yes to me, and to you, and especially to everyone I compare myself to.

To learn more about the SelfLove365 project, click here.
To join the SelfLove365 project, click here.

Faces for Art Battle

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I’m training for Art Battle yet again! Today I switched it up a bit and did some faces instead of hearts. I’ve done hearts on all my battle paintings, and I need a change! These are both 20-minute paintings, 16″ x 20″, called “Love me”, and available to purchase either apart or as a set. Contact me to purchase!

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 138: (xoxo)

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I long to be shown affection, and showing it to others does not come naturally to me. Maybe that’s not strictly true; I don’t have to remind myself to hug my children, but I also wonder if I do it enough. When it comes to my family of origin, though – my parents and my brothers – I do need to make a conscious effort to show affection.

I am happy to have found, and become a part of, several communities of people who are aware of the effect of physical contact and hugging, and make an effort to embrace for long enough to the get the oxytocin flowing.

Sometimes, when I do get the affection I’ve been craving, it can feel like too much after awhile. The swinging of the pendulum, from one extreme to another, is a regular occurrence for me: lonely and craving hugs, to smothered and desiring space.

To learn more about the SelfLove365 project, click here.
To join the SelfLove365 project, click here.

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 137: Receive/Give

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Fully receive: Without putting up walls, by opening my senses, by opening my heart, by allowing the gift of another to touch me, by allowing the words of another to be true.

Fully give: Without an agenda, without expecting any reply or gratitude, by opening my heart, and by pouring my essence into the gift.

I find both of these to be very challenging. Allowing the gift of another to touch me, well, this threatens my lack of self-worth, and up go the walls. Giving to another without any expectation of gratitude feels like pretending.

Can I really be so open to let in the loving words of others?
Can I really be so egoless as to not desire gratitude?
Do I need to be these things?

To learn more about the SelfLove365 project, click here.
To join the SelfLove365 project, click here.

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 136: Ask for help

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Almost exactly 8 years ago, I was hospitalized for several days because of a high fever and a full-body rash that the doctors suspected to be an allergic reaction, but after much testing, they could only suggest that it was all due to a viral infection. It wasn’t either of these things, and my body knows it.

The rash began shortly after completing a weekend Core Connexion dance workshop, during which I danced out the story of “not needing help from anyone” (even metaphorically, through dance, I was unwilling to receive help). The idea that I can, or need to, do everything on my own, is strongly linked to my perfectionism, and it’s a story that’s been with me a long time. The hospital stay forced me to receive help, to be fed, looked after and cared for, and to allow others to look after my three very young children, too.

Since then, I have had more awareness in recognizing my limitations, I’ve had more courage to ask for help, and I have even been able to enjoy receiving help from others.

To learn more about the SelfLove365 project, click here.
To join the SelfLove365 project, click here.