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I need frequent reminders to allow myself to feel whatever is coming up for me. Sometimes I don’t want to feel jealous, so I push it down. Or I don’t like the intense feelings of anger, so I look to be grateful instead. Or if I am overcome with sadness and slowness and a feeling of sorrow, I want it to go away. Luckily, I have a wonderful partner in my life who not only reminds me to allow my feelings, but is willing to provide the space for them (for me) to be seen and heard.
I am also allowing myself to feel my feelings when I am on my own. Yesterday, I allowed my sadness. I wallowed a little, ate many cookies without giving myself a guilt trip, and lay in bed to rest and nap. Throughout my allowing, I still heard the voice that didn’t want to allow: “You should be outside”, “You’re not being productive”, “The kids will be mad that you ate all the cookies”. I allowed those voices to have their say, too, but I didn’t follow their orders.
Sometimes it’s not enough for me to feel sadness: I need to feel sorrow.
Sometimes it’s not enough for me to feel anger: I need to feel rage.
Sometimes it’s not enough for me to feel happiness: I need to feel elation.
Sometimes my senses are so numbed out, so dulled down, so not willing to feel, that I need the intensity to know that they exist: to know I exist.
Sometimes the voices in my head are ruthless and utterly nasty. When I am able to notice, I can stop being the victim of my own self-abuse. Meditation has been a useful tool for me to practice noticing, to hear those voices in my head, to see just how unrelenting they can be. Once I notice them, I am usually able to step back and find a way to honour myself, rather than shit all over me.
I mostly identify as an introvert, because I recharge by being in a quiet space, and I know that noisy and crowded places, like the mall, will tire me out quickly. I have developed the ability to appear extroverted, but it consumes a lot of my energy. One of the most loving things I can do for myself is to read while lying in bed, with nobody else around. I crave it. It nurtures me, and energizes me, and yet, I so rarely do it. I dream of doing it, but get distracted or too tired to get around to it. One of my goals is to treat my introverted self to this nurturing activity at least once a week. I know I am worth it, even if my actions are showing that I believe otherwise.
I am becoming more and more attuned to the synchronicities in my life and able to recognize when they are occurring. These meaningful coincidences a way that I can allow for the possibility that I am supported by the universe. The more I see synchronicity in my life, the more I trust that this is true.