Author Archives: belknits

About belknits

38-ish mother of 3, artist, and creator of crafty stuff made out of paper, glue, yarn, and other things. Always trying to be a better me... and always trying to accept myself for who I am RIGHT NOW.

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 61: Happy

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I can see that happiness is a choice. It isn’t always an easy choice, though. Sometimes my habit of reacting to a situation with anger or fear is very strong, and I forget that there is a choice; I’m operating on automatic.
Several people have asked me in the last few months, since separating from my husband, if I am happy. I can whole-heartedly answer, “Yes.” Happiness in this overall sense doesn’t mean I’m walking around with a smile on my face all the time. I’m constantly diving into the hard (for me) emotions of shame and anger, and working on feeling them as they arise. I probably don’t look too happy when I’m in the midst of feeling shame. But I am excited and happy to be moving on this path of growth, to be curious to see what comes up, to ask for what I want, and to challenge myself to change old habits that no longer serve me. That makes me happy.

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 60: Intention

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How do I move from intention to action? Presence, awareness and breath. Without these things, my intention remains where it was created: in my head.

I need to be careful not to turn my intentions into rules. Once they become rules, I resist them. Intentions have an openness that allows for mistakes. It seems like a fine line, though, between intention and rule. Rules imply a necessity, and an external voice telling me what I “should” do. Intentions seem to stem more from an inner desire.

Intentions are useful within the concept of goals. My goal is to be present in the moment, so I may, for an evening, set an intention to do so, to return to my breath when I think of it. I also have the goal of maintaining a healthy body. Within that goal, I don’t set rules, but intend to workout every other day, eat well, and get to sleep at a decent hour. This doesn’t always happen. Maybe intentions are too easy on me, but I can keep assessing and renewing my intentions everyday. Rules seem so set in stone. The actions I decide to take will really depend on how aware I am in the moment, and whether or not I choose to perpetuate my old habits.

To read more about this SelfLove365 project, click here.

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 59: Voice.

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I want to be heard.

My voice shouts out through teal and red and bright yellow. It sings of hearts and layers and texture. It sighs with the touch of my fingers and the caress of my thighs. It speaks through style, inked skin, and silver accessories. It expresses with movement of limbs and flowing torso.

It remains quiet when it’s unsure or insecure, and speaks up when it’s passionate. It sings along in the shower and discusses the inner workings of the heart and mind.

To learn more about the SelfLove365 Project, click here.

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 58: (heart)

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It’s working hard for me.
When people hug me, most of them tell me they can feel it beating.
I take it for granted.
I appreciate it.
It’s the centre of my feeling body. It’s where the walls begin.
Pump, pump, pump.
Making attempts to pull down the walls.

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 57: Awareness

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I stop and sit, breathe and listen, and I am aware.

How often in my day am I really aware? Even now, I question how much is really reaching my awareness. There is so much more, infinitely more, to be aware of, and I am only recognizing a fraction of it.

A fraction of infinity.

But the quantity doesn’t matter. How deep into my awareness can I go?

Can I crawl under the slight tipping of my heart to see what lies beneath? Am I willing to listen to the sound of tears or laughter or rage that is waiting to be heard? Maybe today, or maybe I’m not ready. But I am aware.