SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 63: Growth

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How have I grown today? In what ways have I stretched myself beyond my circle of comfort? Have I tried a new activity? Learned something? Made a real effort to expand my capacity for compassion?

This is growth: I spend extra time today giving myself pleasure. Allowing pleasure, really seeking it out and giving in to it, has been a slow, sometimes difficult and shame-filled process.

This is growth: I was consistently aware of how I responded to my son with irritation and impatience, and the awareness was almost immediate. When the awareness comes this quickly, choice and change can occur more easily.

This is growth: I spoke my truth to someone I don’t know well, even though it meant this person may not like me.

This is growth: Instead of hoping I could have time to myself this evening, I invited my daughter to speak to me, to speak her truth, express her anger. I stayed connected and present with her, through her “it’s your fault” and “I hate you”. I thanked her. I showed her she’s still loved and is safe to express these things to me, that I welcome hearing them.

To learn more about the SelfLove365 Project, click here.

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 62: Daring

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Truth or dare?

Dare!

I dare you to model in the nude in front of a group of women.

I dare you to speak up for what you want – to tell your husband you desire a sexual relationship with another man.

I dare you to model in the nude again, this time in front of men and women, and be photographed while doing so.

I dare you to ask the universe to meet a man who’s dominant, because if you ask, he will be presented to you.

I dare you to tell the world that shame is your friend, because the universe will provide you with ample opportunities to test your theory.

I dare you to really want something.

I dare you to find things you love about yourself.

I dare you to speak up, cry loudly, feel intense pleasure, eat and fuck with abandon, eat and fuck with total presence, share your insecurities, be completely vulnerable, smile at strangers, smile at loved ones, dance in public, dance down the aisle of an airplane, choose happiness.

I dare you.

To learn more about the SelfLove365 Project, click here.

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 61: Happy

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I can see that happiness is a choice. It isn’t always an easy choice, though. Sometimes my habit of reacting to a situation with anger or fear is very strong, and I forget that there is a choice; I’m operating on automatic.
Several people have asked me in the last few months, since separating from my husband, if I am happy. I can whole-heartedly answer, “Yes.” Happiness in this overall sense doesn’t mean I’m walking around with a smile on my face all the time. I’m constantly diving into the hard (for me) emotions of shame and anger, and working on feeling them as they arise. I probably don’t look too happy when I’m in the midst of feeling shame. But I am excited and happy to be moving on this path of growth, to be curious to see what comes up, to ask for what I want, and to challenge myself to change old habits that no longer serve me. That makes me happy.

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 60: Intention

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How do I move from intention to action? Presence, awareness and breath. Without these things, my intention remains where it was created: in my head.

I need to be careful not to turn my intentions into rules. Once they become rules, I resist them. Intentions have an openness that allows for mistakes. It seems like a fine line, though, between intention and rule. Rules imply a necessity, and an external voice telling me what I “should” do. Intentions seem to stem more from an inner desire.

Intentions are useful within the concept of goals. My goal is to be present in the moment, so I may, for an evening, set an intention to do so, to return to my breath when I think of it. I also have the goal of maintaining a healthy body. Within that goal, I don’t set rules, but intend to workout every other day, eat well, and get to sleep at a decent hour. This doesn’t always happen. Maybe intentions are too easy on me, but I can keep assessing and renewing my intentions everyday. Rules seem so set in stone. The actions I decide to take will really depend on how aware I am in the moment, and whether or not I choose to perpetuate my old habits.

To read more about this SelfLove365 project, click here.

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 59: Voice.

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I want to be heard.

My voice shouts out through teal and red and bright yellow. It sings of hearts and layers and texture. It sighs with the touch of my fingers and the caress of my thighs. It speaks through style, inked skin, and silver accessories. It expresses with movement of limbs and flowing torso.

It remains quiet when it’s unsure or insecure, and speaks up when it’s passionate. It sings along in the shower and discusses the inner workings of the heart and mind.

To learn more about the SelfLove365 Project, click here.

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 58: (heart)

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It’s working hard for me.
When people hug me, most of them tell me they can feel it beating.
I take it for granted.
I appreciate it.
It’s the centre of my feeling body. It’s where the walls begin.
Pump, pump, pump.
Making attempts to pull down the walls.