SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 116: Style

IMG_1289I used to think I had no style.

I probably didn’t have style, or at least, nothing that really stood out. It was buried under a sense of obligation to conform, and to not make others uncomfortable by the way I dressed.

When I was 19, my boyfriend didn’t approve of the shoes I was wearing, because they were too outrageous, in his opinion. I allowed his opinion, and most others’ opinions afterwards, to dictate my style. But it was still in there, deep down, waiting to get out. Eventually I adopted the attitude that “if you think you can make it work, then it works”, and seeing that attitude embodied in my cousins’ sense of style has completely inspired me to present my self in my own unique way, without worrying about what others think of it.

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SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 115: Excited

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Fuck, yeah, I’m excited! I’m relaxing on a hammock with a man who thrills me, overlooking beautiful, lush greenery and a gigantic lake in Guatemala, where I will be dancing twice a day for a week! Woo hoo! Truth be told, I’ve been excited about this for a long time, and I am thrilled it’s finally happening!

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SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 114: Getting It All Done

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This is a strange topic to write about while sitting on a plane. There’s nothing to do, really. It’s all been done already.
I packed.
I watered the plants (and sopped up the spilled water with towels).
I made lunches and drove the kids to school.
I filled the car with gas.
I called my neighbour to please check the house to make sure I didn’t leave any candles burning (paranoid).
Now I’m doing my daily writing practice.
And then I’m done, and I can simply be.

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SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 113: DO IT

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I know it’s Nike’s motto, but I’ve been borrowing it for the last few years: “Just do it”. I can think and overthink, until I kill an idea. I prefer to think a bit, and then just do it. There is absolutely no way to 100 % predict how something will turn out, so I would rather just do it, and deal with the consequences after. When I posed nude for a figure drawing class, it felt like I quickly jumped into saying “yes” (in reality, I had wanted to do this for years, but was waiting for the opportunity to jump) without any idea of what it would be like.

Today I had the idea of popping over to a friend’s house unannounced. I thought about it for a few minutes and decided to do it, based on my expectation that he would both like the surprise and enjoy seeing me (and I thought it would be awesome to arrive at 11:11am, which I did, because we often send each other “Make a wish” texts at 11:11). It didn’t turn out that way – he wasn’t happy about the surprise, and even had some anger that I would show up unexpectedly. Had I known this would be his reaction, I likely wouldn’t have stuck to my motto of “just do it”. I’m glad I did, though, since it gave us both an opportunity to feel (his anger, and my feelings of rejection), to speak our truth, and to grow; this failed surprise showed me very clearly how I still have expectations around others’ behaviours. I want to consciously let go of these expectations, or at least be more aware of having them.

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SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 112: Resting

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Much of the time, I put off resting.

“I will rest after I get this done.”
“I will rest, but first I want to talk to…”
“I will rest once I have…”

Or I absentmindedly get lost in the online ocean and end up going to bed later than I intended.

More and more, I am hearing a desire for rest in my body. And more and more, I am actually heeding that call. Occasionally, I will give myself a 30-minute nap in the middle of the day, but usually only when I am on the brink of exhaustion.

I remember reading about the critical importance of naps in SARK’s books years ago, and wondering how she ever had time for work if she was always napping – didn’t she have deadlines to meet? I’m learning that naps may be a crucial part scheduling for a creative person. Not only do they provide well needed rest, but when else do I get the quiet, the peace, and the opportunity for my mind to wander at will and envision amazing things? Truly, my mind presents me with some pretty funky stuff as I begin to drift off!

The trick is in believing that I deserve to take that time for myself.

I’m starting to feel sleepy now…

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SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 111: Body Awareness

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Skull skin: taut
Sinuses: painful to press
Neck: tightness with potential for twang
Shoulders: lifted and purposefully lowered
Heart: fearful, loving, open and closed, on and off
Tummy: slightly bloated
Right hip: slight flare
Genitals: awake with attention
Thighs: full
Knees: wary
Ankles: longing
Soles: needing reverse pressure

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SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 110: (hobby)

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I was going to call this one, “(knitting)”, but it’s not just about knitting, because a new hobby is calling me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not giving up knitting. I have way too much yarn to do that, and I still love it, too. I’ve committed to making only hand knit (or handmade) gifts for my nephew, and I am also about halfway through knitting the “Bel cardigan”, which was named after me and designed by my amazing and supremely talented friend, Mandy Moore.

Now, I want to learn how to play the guitar. I’ve played three band instruments in my lifetime (clarinet, flute and trombone), and spent a summer learning how to play the harp, but I’ve never before had an interest in, or lay a hand on, a guitar. Recently, I’ve had the pleasure of watching and listening to Braden play guitar, and the more I’ve heard, the more I’ve become interested in trying. He taught me a few riffs last night, and I could almost feel my brain working at it, like it was lifting weights. This feels fun and challenging, and developing new neural pathways seems like a smart thing for a 42 year old brain to do. I can’t wait to rock out!

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