Tag Archives: growth

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 141: LearningGrowing

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I surround myself with people who are committed to growth, and who know the perfect questions to ask at the perfect moments. Today, one of these friends asked me whether I am able explain what value my art brings to this world, and I realized that until I am able to answer that, I am stuck.

I have been realizing, during the process of separation from my husband, with discussions of support, that I still don’t value my contribution to the world as an artist. Even at a young age (as stated in my Grade 3 autobiography, in fact), I thought that being an artist was an unwise career move because it doesn’t pay well. Somehow, through my lifetime, I have been taught, and have accepted, that artists do not contribute anything worthwhile (worth paying for) to our society.

For a long time, I have been feeling like there’s something holding me back from my own success, and now I think I’ve found it. I thought it was simply a story about not being a good enough artist, but this goes well beyond my own capacities as an artist. Once again, I am looking at my value, my worth. How to dismantle this story and build anew is a new challenge for me.

I am learning. I am growing.

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SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 140: Awareness

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I am becoming more aware of my habitual patterns of behaviour.

I notice how, by trying to help someone feel better, they wind up feeling worse because I am denying their feelings (by essentially saying, “You needn’t feel that way because of …”).

I notice how, when I don’t like something someone else is doing, I will wait to see if it changes, and push away my own feelings, because I have a fear that by speaking up, the other person will become angry, or no longer like me.

I notice how, day after day, I deny myself the things I really want: more sleep, more reading, more pleasure, less procrastination and distraction.

I also notice how my awareness of these things is becoming more and more finely tuned. I am aware of my behaviours closer the the times they actually happen, and sometimes even during. Eventually my awareness (I hope) will be such that I see the behaviours before they happen, and then have the capacity to choose my next move.

To learn more about the SelfLove365 project, click here.
To join the SelfLove365 project, click here.

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 136: Ask for help

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Almost exactly 8 years ago, I was hospitalized for several days because of a high fever and a full-body rash that the doctors suspected to be an allergic reaction, but after much testing, they could only suggest that it was all due to a viral infection. It wasn’t either of these things, and my body knows it.

The rash began shortly after completing a weekend Core Connexion dance workshop, during which I danced out the story of “not needing help from anyone” (even metaphorically, through dance, I was unwilling to receive help). The idea that I can, or need to, do everything on my own, is strongly linked to my perfectionism, and it’s a story that’s been with me a long time. The hospital stay forced me to receive help, to be fed, looked after and cared for, and to allow others to look after my three very young children, too.

Since then, I have had more awareness in recognizing my limitations, I’ve had more courage to ask for help, and I have even been able to enjoy receiving help from others.

To learn more about the SelfLove365 project, click here.
To join the SelfLove365 project, click here.

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 135: Seed, stalk, flower

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Seed, stalk, flower.
The path of growth.
I am all of these things, at all times, in different areas of my life.
Right now, I am a seed in learning how to play guitar. I have just been planted, and haven’t even sent any roots out yet.

I am a stalk in my business. I am learning what works, and what doesn’t, trying new things, and moving upwards. There is still much potential for growth.

I am a flower in my parenting. I have learned so much along this path, and while I am by no means done, I am at a point of blossoming, with the ability to reach my full potential in any moment, and to soak up the energy of my children, the way a flower opens to the sun.

To learn more about the SelfLove365 project, click here.
To join the SelfLove365 project, click here.

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 125: Grow & Change

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When I hang on tight to the perception that nothing changes, then I am forced to adapt when it does, and it isn’t always pretty. Sometimes the changes in life are tiny, infinitesimal even, and they can slip by unnoticed, building change upon change until I finally realize what is happening (like my children growing).

I want to embrace the idea that people are always changing, so the person I thought I knew yesterday is now a stranger to me, and I can then access the curiosity and interest and attention towards them that may not otherwise have been there.

Who are you today?

If I can do this with others, then surely I can also take the same approach with myself. As my good friend Evangelos reminds me often: there is no fixed self. This is ultimately very freeing. I can discover, invent, and create myself anew everyday, if I choose.

Who am I today?

To learn more about the SelfLove365 project, click here.
To join the SelfLove365 project, click here.

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 120: Capable of Change

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Over the years, I have changed. From not knowing what I want, to having the courage to say it. From suppressing all emotion, to surrendering to the feelings as they arise.

Over the months, I have changed. From being committed to a 22-year relationship, to being in a relationship without commitment, and making the choice to stay committed to myself. From care-taking of others for fear of “hurting their feelings”, to incorporating transparency in relationships, and allowing all involved to be responsible for their own feelings.

Over the days, I have changed. From resisting the interruptions to my bliss, to allowing them to be there, to flow with them, and to see what shows up for me.

Over the hours, I have changed. From feeling like a lonely, abandoned little girl, to following my inner compass, and creating my experience.

To learn more about the SelfLove365 project, click here.
To join the SelfLove365 project, click here.

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 75: Lessons Learned

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This is what I think: learning my lesson means I will no longer have to face it again.

This is NOT TRUE.

No matter how many times I realize this, I keep forgetting, and then realizing it again.

Today I misunderstood a text, which instantly triggered thoughts of being “too much”. I’ve been down this path many, many times, and today I watched it happen, and it was like watching myself fall in slo-motion. It was almost like I could detect the nerve impulse as it triggered an ancient memory, which in turn, triggered a reaction in my body. The more I am able to witness this, the more (I think) I will have the ability to make conscious decisions on how I act/react, and eventually, possibly, how I feel. Whether or not this is the case, I like the idea of being in control of my emotions, rather than the other way around. Maybe someday this will happen. In the meantime, I’ll keep feeling my feelings as they come up, because if there’s one lesson I’ve learned (well, mostly), it’s that the triggers and lessons just keep on coming.