SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 239: Keep on Moving

Movement is the key for me. It helps me to get unstuck when I am stuck in my stories. It gives me joy when I dance. It lessens my pain – in my back, in my heart, in my mind. It is what propels me to the next stage in my growth.

People speak of being rather than doing, to remember to allow what is happening to us to just be present, rather than feel the need to push through it, or do something about it. When I speak of movement, this is also what I’m referring to: the ability to move through my feelings, by allowing them to be there. Movement may sound like “doing”, but I’m referring instead to the opposite of stagnation and resistance. Instead of fighting what life brings me, I will keep on moving, feeling, and allowing (being).

To learn more about the SelfLove365 project, click here.
To join the SelfLove365 project, click here.

Advertisement

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 229: Consistent

I consistently believe I am not beautiful.
I consistently believe I am not a real artist, not enough, too much, too hard on myself, and on and on.
I consistently have a need to be right.
I consistently lack trust in what others say (especially those things that oppose my above beliefs) because of this need to be right.
I consistently judge my beliefs and stories and patterns and wish to be done with them.
I consistently am reminded that these parts of me aren’t going away and I need to find healthier ways of dealing with them.
I consistently remember that I have all the tools I need to deal with these parts of myself, I just don’t always choose to use them.
I consistently worry about people getting tired of my shit and leaving me, and being lonely and missing connection.

At least I’m consistent.

Except when I’m not.

Because sometimes, I have days when I do believe I make a difference, I do believe I am enough, I do believe I have every right to be here, I do believe I can take care of myself, I do believe there is a good reason for you to love me.

To learn more about the SelfLove365 project, click here.
To join the SelfLove365 project, click here.

I Need To Know If I Am Bad or Good

Yesterday I felt strong, today I feel overwhelmed.
I want support, and I fear I am being too much.
My perception of who I am is cracking and the old me is desperately clinging on, raging, being really nasty.

This painting I completed yesterday has a little of everything: childhood images of safety, recent exploration of sexual healing, proclamations of self-love and windows of vulnerability.

“I Need To Know if I Am Bad or Good” 24″ x 24″, $750

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 204: Grow, grow, grow

I am always growing and looking for ways to move forward.

My friend made a comment on Facebook today about change – she said she is tired of changing, and asked why we can’t let go of the idea that we need to change, and “what if I learn how to be in my world by being where I am and staying present to the feelings”.

In reading this, I realized that, while I make efforts to be present, and I am present a lot more than I used to be, really allowing my feelings and just being where I am IS change for me. My tendency is to resist the feelings I don’t want to feel, and then usually to become stuck in them. The very act of being present to them and allowing them to be there and to move through me, leads to change.

And this change leads to growth.

To learn more about the SelfLove365 project, click here.
To join the SelfLove365 project, click here.

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 201: Moving Forward

This past year or so, I’ve noticed that I am frequently triggered into feeling rejection, loneliness, anger, jealousy, sadness, and more. It happens fast and it happens often, and when it does, I see it happening and the part of me that is not reacting is looking for a way to move forward. While my ego stays frozen, there is a part of me that knows exactly what I need – to feel my feelings fully, to move (physically – usually to dance), and often, to connect with another.

While we were still living together, my ex-husband told me I was always moving forward, and he likened my path of growth to being on a race track: that I was sprinting ahead. Sometimes it feels that way – that I am discovering new lessons often, growing everyday, and not making any attempts to slow down. After almost 40 years spent suppressing my feelings, I have a lot of catching up to do, and moving forward is exactly what I will keep doing.

To learn more about the SelfLove365 project, click here.
To join the SelfLove365 project, click here.

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 193: Remembering My Path

  

Sometimes I think I know what my path is: to grow, to learn to trust, to create, to inspire, to just be, to love myself, to love others, to see that I am enough.

How can I really know what my path is? I can’t see it ahead of me; I can only see where I’ve been, and how far I’ve travelled. There is much to be learned from paying attention to the path I have already taken.

Also, today James Jesso asked, “What is in the way of your path?”, and then later suggested that whatever is in our way, is actually “of our way”. That which I think is holding me back (tonight, it was my belief that I’m not good enough), is actually helping me along my path. I continue to visit this story, to see where it just isn’t true, to notice when it is true, to see how it shapes my beliefs and actions. I am, in fact, choosing this thing that holds me back – I’m choosing to allow it into my life, to bring me whatever lessons it is going to teach. The moment I am ready to drop it, then I will choose to do so (in theory, anyway).

To learn more about the SelfLove365 project, click here.
To join the SelfLove365 project, click here.

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 191: Hello, Gremlin

Hello, Gremlin, my friend. You are the dude who likes to whisper (and sometimes yell) worries and doubts and insecurities and stories into my ear. You’re the one who is scared and doesn’t trust the world, and so you think you’re protecting me by making me feel shitty before I have a real reason for feeling shitty. I appreciate the work you do, and I am doing my best to keep you feeling safe instead. Most of all, I’m doing my best to let you know that, just like all my other parts,

YOU ARE LOVED.

To learn more about the SelfLove365 project, click here.
To join the SelfLove365 project, click here.

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 160: Recognizing my Triggers

Ooooh, I’m getting really good at this. I know what most of them are, and now I’m learning to recognize the sensation in my body as it happens.

It can be something as simple as receiving a blunt reply by text, a “No” in answer to a question. This can trigger feelings of insignificance, as if I’m being brushed off, and of feeling worthless and small. In my body, it shows up as a tightening in my chest, a shrinking and rounding forward of my shoulders, and a slowing and shortening of my breath.

Being able to recognize my triggers reminds me that the stories I tell myself are all my own shit, and the other person’s blunt reply likely has absolutely nothing to do with me. It allows me to act, rather than react, and because of this, I can make mindful choices, rather than act out of unconscious habit.

To learn more about the SelfLove365 project, click here.
To join the SelfLove365 project, click here.

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 164: Speaking Up

If I say something, and the other person is angry about it, I can begin to feel like I am too much and should just keep my mouth shut. On the other hand, if I know I am choosing my words carefully and being true to myself, and not intentionally trying to hurt the other, then I am speaking up, speaking my truth. A part of me says I should keep quiet in the future, and say less so as to avoid angering others, but another part of me disagrees. I’ve been angered by things people have said to me, and if I allow myself to really look into why it angers me, I almost always find that it has nothing to do with the other person, except that their words happened to trigger the reaction in me. What I do with that anger is up to me. Whether or not I lay blame, is up to me. What I learn about myself is up to me.

I was recently given unsolicited advice about my artwork, about how I should paint. The message I heard was that I do too much, that “less is more”, and I shouldn’t paint hearts. I was initially angry and defensive. Then, I realized that this opinion is one opinion among many, and there is no right way to paint. Beyond that, I discovered that this person’s advice was really a gift to me, because it gave me the opportunity to work through the emotions, and it also tested my confidence in my own work. Am I willing to be swayed to change my style by one person’s comment? On the other hand, am I willing to experiment with my style to see if I agree with her? I really enjoyed the lessons I learned through this.

My friend spoke up. I was angry. I learned. Thank you.

To learn more about the SelfLove365 project, click here.
To join the SelfLove365 project, click here.

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 145: Letting go of fear of PAIN. Acceptance of PAIN.

Part of my personal motto this year is to FEEL DEEPLY, and that includes the painful stuff, too. I don’t wish to inflict pain upon myself to do this. Well, that’s not entirely true – part of the reason I enjoy getting tattoos is to experiment with how I deal with the physical pain, and to be curious about it. In fact, the last time, I noticed that halfway through the tattoo, the pain turned into pleasure!

However, I do wish to allow myself to feel whatever comes up in the moment. Resisting feelings, as I’ve done in the past, hasn’t worked so well for me; instead of moving through the feeling into something else, I wind up stuck in it. Being stuck, or frozen, leads to fear. Arguably, it’s the fear that leads to the resistance in the first place, but I think more precisely, it’s my reaction to the fear (resisting it) that translates into even more fear. It’s like that saying, “What you resist, persists”. So true. Because I grew up thinking I shouldn’t feel anything (having been told, “Don’t cry”, or “Don’t be upset”), I become afraid of feelings, worried they may take over, that they will become too painful to bear, and that I will never escape. Such is the same with physical pain; when my back is in pain, I have a belief that it will never end.

The more I can build the habit of allowing the feelings to move through me, to see that they don’t last forever, and to know that there is something else to feel on the other side of the pain, then the more I can accept, and let go of, the pain.

To learn more about the SelfLove365 project, click here.
To join the SelfLove365 project, click here.