Tag Archives: growth

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 75: Lessons Learned

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This is what I think: learning my lesson means I will no longer have to face it again.

This is NOT TRUE.

No matter how many times I realize this, I keep forgetting, and then realizing it again.

Today I misunderstood a text, which instantly triggered thoughts of being “too much”. I’ve been down this path many, many times, and today I watched it happen, and it was like watching myself fall in slo-motion. It was almost like I could detect the nerve impulse as it triggered an ancient memory, which in turn, triggered a reaction in my body. The more I am able to witness this, the more (I think) I will have the ability to make conscious decisions on how I act/react, and eventually, possibly, how I feel. Whether or not this is the case, I like the idea of being in control of my emotions, rather than the other way around. Maybe someday this will happen. In the meantime, I’ll keep feeling my feelings as they come up, because if there’s one lesson I’ve learned (well, mostly), it’s that the triggers and lessons just keep on coming.

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 63: Growth

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How have I grown today? In what ways have I stretched myself beyond my circle of comfort? Have I tried a new activity? Learned something? Made a real effort to expand my capacity for compassion?

This is growth: I spend extra time today giving myself pleasure. Allowing pleasure, really seeking it out and giving in to it, has been a slow, sometimes difficult and shame-filled process.

This is growth: I was consistently aware of how I responded to my son with irritation and impatience, and the awareness was almost immediate. When the awareness comes this quickly, choice and change can occur more easily.

This is growth: I spoke my truth to someone I don’t know well, even though it meant this person may not like me.

This is growth: Instead of hoping I could have time to myself this evening, I invited my daughter to speak to me, to speak her truth, express her anger. I stayed connected and present with her, through her “it’s your fault” and “I hate you”. I thanked her. I showed her she’s still loved and is safe to express these things to me, that I welcome hearing them.

To learn more about the SelfLove365 Project, click here.

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 61: Happy

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I can see that happiness is a choice. It isn’t always an easy choice, though. Sometimes my habit of reacting to a situation with anger or fear is very strong, and I forget that there is a choice; I’m operating on automatic.
Several people have asked me in the last few months, since separating from my husband, if I am happy. I can whole-heartedly answer, “Yes.” Happiness in this overall sense doesn’t mean I’m walking around with a smile on my face all the time. I’m constantly diving into the hard (for me) emotions of shame and anger, and working on feeling them as they arise. I probably don’t look too happy when I’m in the midst of feeling shame. But I am excited and happy to be moving on this path of growth, to be curious to see what comes up, to ask for what I want, and to challenge myself to change old habits that no longer serve me. That makes me happy.

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 48: Recognizing my Mirrors

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I noticed myself getting frustrated by my father today. He was impatient, wanting to get to the restaurant for dinner early, and spoke up when cars weren’t moving fast enough for his liking. Similarily, my 8-year old son frequently asks me about the next activity, and how much longer we will be doing what we are presently doing. I am equally frustrated by both of these experiences, and annoyed at the feeling of being rushed, but above all, noticing that my father and my son are both my mirrors.

In a recent healing session with Roxanne, I discovered that “pace” has been an issue for me for a long time, but not consciously. I frequently move at others’ paces, rather than my own, and when my internal pace doesn’t match those of others, I have been allowing it to anger me.

I’ve had a belief that if I don’t move as fast (or as slow, in some instances) as others, then they will be angry at me, and no longer love or like me. Now I can see how this is not likely to be the truth, and even if it is, I no longer have the desire to have a need to be loved by others. I want to love myself first, which means listening to my own needs, and my own pace.

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 19: Willingness to Dig Deep

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Scratching the surface, you will find I am not a snob, or stuck-up and quietly condescending, like you may think. I am curious and watching. Listening and absorbing. Waiting and reacting.

Dig a little deeper and you will hear about all the ways the things you say are affecting me. The triggers know no bounds are are frequently dredging up old stuff from the past; things I keep thinking will just fall away, and I know it’s time to accept that they will likely keep testing me; it’s my reactions that can change. it’s the jealousy, abandonment, rejection, wanting to be liked, not feeling good enough, feeling like I’m too much, insecurity and lack of trust and safety, that you’ll find.

Shovel a bit more and you’ll see that I’m just like you. And we are the same. I am you, and you are me. I know your stories and you will know mine, or you knew them years ago. I want to be seen by you and to witness your beauty and love.

Take me all apart and there is the spark of light that longs to go back to where it came from. It watches all this, and waits.

Allow & Auction

Yesterday I facilitated a wonderful 3-hour private painting session with Cindy. We both had a great time, and were pleased with the two paintings we each created. Cindy gave me a wonderful testimonial on Facebook, even.

So why am I judging myself today?
It’s the same old story and voices: “You don’t know what you’re doing”, “You didn’t do enough for her”, “You charge too much”, “You’ll never make a living this way”. For some reason, (likely due to perfectionism!) I have a belief that I can banish these stories forever. That if I can do the “right” work, they will disappear. It’s becoming more apparent to me (I get many opportunities to face my stories) that the voices and stories may never disappear; they are a part of me. What I can see, though, is that my reaction to them is changing. I am less likely to get attached to the story, which means the emotion doesn’t really have a chance to get a hold of me. I notice that the voices are there, and now I see the choice: I can choose to dive in, and really feel shitty, or I can choose to access my strengths and take note of what IS working in my life.

In short, I can allow the voices to be there, and I can choose how to react.

"Allow" 16" x 20"

“Allow” 16″ x 20″

This painting, “Allow”, is now up for auction!

16″ x 20″

Starting bid: $100

Shipping not included. ($30 Canada, $40 US)

Please enter your bid in the comment section of this post. Bidding ends today at 11:59 pm M.S.T., Wednesday, December 3, 2014.

Thank you!

Much love,
Bel
xo

Sacred Space and Trust

Last night, I realized I didn’t trust my friend, B. He told me he would do something, and I questioned him. Then I apologized for being suspicious, but realized it goes deeper than that. I just don’t believe him.

When I started to think about this, I realized that it isn’t just him that I don’t believe, it is everybody. I don’t trust anybody. This becomes readily apparent when I receive compliments or positive feedback. B told me many things last night: He loves being with me, and is so happy he knows me. In the moment of hearing these things, I felt warm and fuzzy, but the insidious voices in my head were already creeping back in to tell me that this is all false. So really, it’s not that I don’t trust him, but rather, I don’t even trust myself. I don’t trust that my being can be good enough, loveable enough, or wanted enough for these messages to be true. I should add here that I do also have a deep (as in buried really, really far down) knowing within myself that I am good enough, loveable enough and wanted enough, and this part is at my core, but very easily covered over by the dark fog of memories and hurts that are easily triggered during my life.

From Project SelfLove365

From Project SelfLove365

Several days ago, B suggested to me that I smudge my mental body. Doing this visualization was wonderful – I was able to really see my mental space, and all its dark and dirty corners. As I cleared it out, I felt lighter and the space became cleaner and brighter. Eventually my mental body became a bright open room, with sun streaming in the windows, and a beautiful crystal hanging from the ceiling, reflecting rainbows on all the walls. Immediately after clearing the space, those insidious voices I spoke of tried to creep back in (they became dustballs with eyes) to dirty my mental space again. I quickly realized how much work it takes to keep this space clean.

I recently separated from my husband, so I decided I would also smudge my house (I am speaking of my actual physical house now, not some imaginary thing). This felt cleansing, especially after opening all the windows to air it out afterwards. It seemed to me that by smudging my mental body and my house, I am treating these spaces as sacred. I have the intention to keep these spaces clean, knowing full well that I may let things slide once in awhile and will then need to do some more heavy work.

From Project SelfLove365

From Project SelfLove365

Thinking about sacred space made me realize that I have not been treating my body as sacred space. Some of my decisions in the past few days have pushed my body to follow its desires rather than its needs. When there is something I want to do, I have a tendency to ignore my body, and to not check in to see what it needs first (especially sleep). By not listening to my body’s physical sensations, I am not allowing any sort of positive feedback loop to occur (only the unwanted one in which I keep ignoring my body and then I get sick). By not allowing this to happen, I am also not giving myself the chance to trust myself. How can I really be a “HELL YES” to something if my body is saying no? If I am not really a “HELL YES”, then how can anyone trust my answer, especially me, if I can’t even trust it? If I can’t trust myself how can I trust anybody?

This is worth repeating.
If I can’t trust myself, how can I trust anybody?

So, how can I trust myself? I am beginning to ask my body the question and listen for the response. It will come. Right now, my body wants to dance.