SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 340: Facing the Fear and Being Seen

When I step into my fears, and breathe deeply, I tell myself I am alive, and I am safe. I have a fear of being seen, even though I desperately want this. I want to be seen, acknowledged, and loved, and yet, I also want to be liked, so being seen is risky business. The fear lies in being seen as an imperfect human, lacking in whatever it takes to deem me worthy of love.

I am imperfect. I am human. I am seen. I am facing the fear. I am loved.

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SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 285: Fear

My back had a twinge today, and now I feel fear: fear that I will be in pain forever.

When I hear people speak about the news, deaths and shortages, I feel fear: fear that my life will become chaotic, unbearable, and painful.

When others express disappointment in my actions, I feel fear: fear that I am not loved.

I have read that fear stands for “false evidence appearing real”. In all of my fears, this is usually true. I remind myself to check in with what is here right now. Am I safe? Am I healthy? Am I supported? Am I able to release the fear and be with what is actually in front of me now?

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SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 246: Drop In and Feel the Fear

I am scared about tomorrow and avoiding the fear. Ironically, what I am most scared of is that I will block out all my feelings and turn into a brick wall, incapable of feeling anything, completely shut off from my body. I want to feel. I welcome the fear, I welcome the pain. I welcome the fear of pain.

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Love My Fear

  
I’ve been facing my fears, then running from them, attaching myself to the rainbows. I’ve been told the rainbows don’t exist without the shadows and darkness. 

Love my Fear” 10″ x 10″. 

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SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 191: Hello, Gremlin

Hello, Gremlin, my friend. You are the dude who likes to whisper (and sometimes yell) worries and doubts and insecurities and stories into my ear. You’re the one who is scared and doesn’t trust the world, and so you think you’re protecting me by making me feel shitty before I have a real reason for feeling shitty. I appreciate the work you do, and I am doing my best to keep you feeling safe instead. Most of all, I’m doing my best to let you know that, just like all my other parts,

YOU ARE LOVED.

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SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 183: Dealing with the Tough Shit

I’m already judging the fact that my tough shit isn’t nearly as tough as other peoples’ tough shit. I’m not dealing with illness, or death, or conflict, or war, at least, not now. But my tough shit is what I’ve got, and it’s tough for me.

When the man I love wants me and also wants another, and I move into feeling unwanted, rejected and insignificant.

Now that I’m separated, knowing that I need to earn a living, to support myself as an artist, and I’m hanging on to feeling scared and not good enough.

When my back starts to feel weak again, and I begin to worry about not being able to function physically. Ever.

So, three things. That’s what I’ve got. It’s not so bad, is it? If I allow myself to get swallowed up by my fears, then it does feel like tough shit, but really, my life is pretty fucking good.

The tough shit is only tough shit because I am making it into tough shit.

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SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 145: Letting go of fear of PAIN. Acceptance of PAIN.

Part of my personal motto this year is to FEEL DEEPLY, and that includes the painful stuff, too. I don’t wish to inflict pain upon myself to do this. Well, that’s not entirely true – part of the reason I enjoy getting tattoos is to experiment with how I deal with the physical pain, and to be curious about it. In fact, the last time, I noticed that halfway through the tattoo, the pain turned into pleasure!

However, I do wish to allow myself to feel whatever comes up in the moment. Resisting feelings, as I’ve done in the past, hasn’t worked so well for me; instead of moving through the feeling into something else, I wind up stuck in it. Being stuck, or frozen, leads to fear. Arguably, it’s the fear that leads to the resistance in the first place, but I think more precisely, it’s my reaction to the fear (resisting it) that translates into even more fear. It’s like that saying, “What you resist, persists”. So true. Because I grew up thinking I shouldn’t feel anything (having been told, “Don’t cry”, or “Don’t be upset”), I become afraid of feelings, worried they may take over, that they will become too painful to bear, and that I will never escape. Such is the same with physical pain; when my back is in pain, I have a belief that it will never end.

The more I can build the habit of allowing the feelings to move through me, to see that they don’t last forever, and to know that there is something else to feel on the other side of the pain, then the more I can accept, and let go of, the pain.

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