I get into a cycle of shame when I try to beat myself out of sad and into gratitude. Constantly need to relearn that each feeling has its place, and needs to be felt. It can’t be beaten out of me with gratitude.
Painting with lots of colour helps me to keep going. The not-good-enough story is working hard to perpetuate itself today. I need to get under the sun.
I want you to have this painting. Make me an offer. ❤️
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I can’t wait to get my own leggings with my paintings on them!
Several people have purchased the leggings recently and love them. Yay!
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The ability to be inspired, and in turn, inspiring, is a cycle that works its magic so well in the presence of community. My idea to create pussy paintings developed after viewing pussy paintings by other artists over the past few years. The theme sank into my sub-conscious, and when it was ready to be looked at and explored, it exploded into my awareness. And then, after making several pussy paintings myself, I noticed pussies popping up in others’ work, and even had a friend tell me that I inspired her in this way. This thread of connection thrills me.
I don’t seek to be inspired or inspiring, but when either happens, I sense more meaning and oneness with the world.
To learn more about the SelfLove365 project, click here.
To join the SelfLove365 project, click here.
Two of my paintings (above and below) were not accepted into a juried art show at a local art gallery today. Just like last year. Last year, I told myself it was only because of the canvases (the edges were too thin, I was told). This year, I have all sorts of reasons:
I’m not a real artist (whatever that means).
There are words on the paintings and the jury didn’t like words.
My work is too “pretty” (I have heard this statement before), too colourful, trying too hard, too much like somebody else’s work, too this, too that.
OK, I get it, I get it: I suck.
Before you go commenting to tell me this all isn’t true, I want to assure you that I know this. I know the voices in my head are lying to me. I know they are trying to keep me safe (in a weird way), that they aren’t working for me, etc. I get this. And the whole time I think these thoughts, I also have a witness inside of me, that is completely non-judgemental, and knows that none of it matters, none of it is true, none of it is real. I know.
I’m still crying my guts out.
Rejection is giving me ample opportunity to feel my emotions, to be in touch with what is going on for me, to see what is real, and what I am feeding with my energy. As much as I would rather be jumping for joy that I got into an art show, I am also grateful for the chance to feel so deeply. This rejection is stacking onto another rejection from over a week ago – a more personal one, but one that gave me a huge jab in my core; I hadn’t realized just how low my self-esteem was until that day. I’m still not over that one, and now this double dose of rejection has been difficult, to say the least.
You know how lots of self-help books and websites say, “You can’t love others until you love yourself”? I’ve been thinking about this, with reference to rejection. Is it true that I am actually rejecting myself, and that maybe I don’t love myself enough? At first I thought so, but then I realized I was just trapping myself in my old perfectionist ways again. What I was really saying was,
“I’m not loving myself enough. I am not good enough at loving myself”.
I have realized that in reality, I am very good at loving myself. I cry when I need to cry. I call my husband when I need to hear a loving voice during my shitty day. I ask for hugs. I take myself out dancing. I blog (sometimes.. haha!). I ask for what I want.
I also listen to music when I need to listen to music. During my rejection experience last week, I noticed I wasn’t really in touch with “sadness”, even though I felt sad-ish, and knew I would be sad later. I knew I needed a cry, it just wasn’t happening yet. Music to the rescue: I instinctively played Sigur Ros in the car, without really knowing why, and BOOM! A flood of tears, all day long. A few days later, that sadness turned into anger, and Nine Inch Nails has been helping me feel that and move through it.
You know what? I like my paintings, I really do. I have fun making them, I even like looking at them afterwards (except after a few months – I start to cringe if they hang around too long). I am grateful for all the people who like to look at my art online, whether on my blog or my Facebook page. I am especially grateful for those who send me supporting comments and feedback, and the people who purchase my paintings. As much as I do paint for myself, I don’t want to work in a vacuum, keeping it all locked away for nobody to see. I want people to see my work and to enjoy it.
But not everybody will, and that’s alright, too.
Remember this tutorial I posted back in 2011? I had no intention of writing a serious tutorial, but I thought it would be a fun way to show how I paint. Turns out, it’s my most popular blog post, ever, with almost 10,000 views. I am still stunned by how seriously people have taken that post! And happy!
Most recently, a group of students at the Kokatahi-Kowhitirangi School in New Zealand used the tutorial to make their own paintings. The class was led by their teacher, Megan McLellan, in the process. Megan and I went to high school together (and used to take the same bus!) and we have been connected on Facebook for several years.
Here’s a photo of the students and their paintings:
I feel like a proud mama!! I hope they all had fun with it (I see smiles – good sign)! One of my greatest wishes for children is to enjoy the process and have fun with art!
I love how these new cards turned out! I had them printed at moo.com, even though I have to pay extra to have them cross the border – it’s still worth it. If you haven’t checked out moo yet, you should; their products are superb quality, turn out gorgeous every time, and the website is easy to use. Hope you like the new cards!
Today I am grateful for:
The first two are paintings I made for Matt and Meghan.
Here are the paintings in their new home:
I sold these two paintings to Amy:
Deborah bought these two:
And these are two that I sold to Monica. (I am also making a large painting for Monica, and I am very excited to see how it is turning out! More on that later!)
The next spread in my Sketchbook Project, Limited Edition. I really like the chains, and I totally meant to do more in this book, but it just didn’t happen. As for the doodling comment, I was definitely fighting my gremlin that day. I would really like to develop some new doodling patterns, designs, techniques, etc. I guess the only way for that to happen is to keep drawing and hope that some pop out.
Two more sleeps until I leave for the Makerie! I can’t wait. I will be posting about it when I return!
Drawn From the Fire 