I get into a cycle of shame when I try to beat myself out of sad and into gratitude. Constantly need to relearn that each feeling has its place, and needs to be felt. It can’t be beaten out of me with gratitude.
Painting with lots of colour helps me to keep going. The not-good-enough story is working hard to perpetuate itself today. I need to get under the sun.
I want you to have this painting. Make me an offer. ❤️
I entered two of my paintings to a juried art show and they were both rejected. This is the third year in a row that I have entered and failed to get in. After receiving the email with the news, I quickly moved on, and didn’t stop to check in with myself to see how I actually felt about it; I think I assumed my feelings wouldn’t be much different than previous years, so why bother to check them out? I moved on with my day, projected my lack of emotion on to others, and maintained my denial for a solid ten hours. Yay, me.
Now I am beginning to allow the feeling to settle in, to show itself. I’m starting to notice the rejection, the anger, the sadness, the blow to the ego and self-esteem. I can see how holding onto those feelings, without expressing them, causes them to seep out in other ways, such that I began to feel rejected by others today, for not very good reasons.
It is time to move.
It is time to express.
It is time to allow.
Yesterday I facilitated a wonderful 3-hour private painting session with Cindy. We both had a great time, and were pleased with the two paintings we each created. Cindy gave me a wonderful testimonial on Facebook, even.
So why am I judging myself today?
It’s the same old story and voices: “You don’t know what you’re doing”, “You didn’t do enough for her”, “You charge too much”, “You’ll never make a living this way”. For some reason, (likely due to perfectionism!) I have a belief that I can banish these stories forever. That if I can do the “right” work, they will disappear. It’s becoming more apparent to me (I get many opportunities to face my stories) that the voices and stories may never disappear; they are a part of me. What I can see, though, is that my reaction to them is changing. I am less likely to get attached to the story, which means the emotion doesn’t really have a chance to get a hold of me. I notice that the voices are there, and now I see the choice: I can choose to dive in, and really feel shitty, or I can choose to access my strengths and take note of what IS working in my life.
In short, I can allow the voices to be there, and I can choose how to react.
“Allow” 16″ x 20″
This painting, “Allow”, is now up for auction!
16″ x 20″
Starting bid: $100
Shipping not included. ($30 Canada, $40 US)
Please enter your bid in the comment section of this post. Bidding ends today at 11:59 pm M.S.T., Wednesday, December 3, 2014.
There’s so much going on this fall, that I really ought to be blogging more. I know, I say that all the time. I’m getting tired of hearing myself say that I will blog more, so I won’t say it, yet. I’d really like to commit to once a week. Oh, fine. I commit. Once a week. There. Feel free to poke me if you don’t think I am keeping this commitment. :p
“Waterfall” 16″ x 20″
So, first thing… I will be auctioning off this painting, “Waterfall” (16″ x 20″) next week! To make sure you are in on the action, get your name down on my email list!
Every painting has layers of excitement, overlapped with fun and frosted with a little dancing. To watch how I cooked this one up, click below:
Secondly (there’s lots more, but I will save it all for my next post, which I committed to above, remember?), please swing by the Sophia Art Show this Friday and Saturday, and bring your friends! I will have tons of paintings, prints, cards (TONS of cards) and all kinds of goodies for your shopping and viewing pleasure! All the details are on the poster below.
After that quick taste of summer, school has started and I am finally able to paint again! Yippee! I am scheduling in painting time (among all my other fun things to do) daily using my new calendar app. It’s funny to me that most people who asked me how often I paint thought it was daily, but it was usually only once or twice a week.
Finished up these two and there are more coming! These will be available in my Etsy shop soon, but until then, contact me if you are interested in purchasing.