Tag Archives: book

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 358: Desire

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It has taken me almost my entire life to accept that I have desire, that it is not a bad thing to want something, and to actually be able to feel and enjoy the wanting. This has been a huge step towards self-love.

I’m still learning that having desire doesn’t mean I am not a generous person; wanting something doesn’t mean I will get it, and; desire and need can be difficult to differentiate.

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SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 357: Connection

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I want to connect with you.
I also fear losing that connection, so sometimes I stop trying to get it, as if the pain will be any less because I’m the one closing off, rather than you. It isn’t any easier though. Either way, I am no longer connected to you, and it hurts. Either way, I am no longer getting what I want, what I need. I have to keep reminding myself to stay open.

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SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 356: Good enough

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I used to think that “doing my best” meant aiming for perfection. I am learning that my best will vary highly, depending on my circumstances, and that whatever I am able to give is good enough. Even if I can barely do anything, it’ll be good enough. For me, anyways. I need to balance what I achieve for others, with what I do for myself. These past few days, I have been giving a lot of myself, mainly to my sick children, with very little, if anything, left over for me.

I still notice voices in my head telling me it’s not enough. I’m running around getting my kids to see doctors, pick up their medicine, give them hugs, make them meals, help them get to sleep, and somehow it’s still not enough. Why? Because we haven’t been relaxing and watching Christmas movies. Because I forgot to make latkes for Hanukah. Because I somehow always find a way to prove that I am lacking, when it comes to my children. But I need to remind myself that it’s enough. That I’m enough.

But then I started thinking (because what good would these voices be if they couldn’t find something else to pick apart?) that I am not doing enough for me. All I’ve wanted these past few days is a moment to relax and I haven’t taken it. Again, I need to remind myself, I need to know, I need to hear, that what I am doing is good enough.

To learn more about the SelfLove365 project, click here.
To join the SelfLove365 project, click here.

SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 355: Allow

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All this is happening.

I worked at 5 am this morning. Allow.

My child is sick. I took her to the doctor today, and then to get an X-ray and medication. Allow.

I messed up the yearly gingerbread recipe by substituting some whole wheat flour for all-purpose (don’t do it!), which makes for structurally unsound gingerbread house dough. I needed to remake the dough but I was out of ginger. Back to the store. Allow.

I cooked dinner while baking cookies and the dishes stacked up. Allow.

When entering the kitchen, I had a huge scare upon seeing my housemate, who I hadn’t seen for days. I collapsed on the floor and burst into laughter, and quickly to tears. Allow.

It’s the holiday season usual stress, I realized I forgot to make latkes for Hanukah, I’m in the last stages of finalizing our separation agreement, I have a new job that’s overwhelming me with feelings of imperfection and shortcomings, I haven’t wrapped my gifts, I miss my boyfriend, and I really, really just want to relax with my children and watch a movie. Allow.

To learn more about the SelfLove365 project, click here.
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SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 354: Laying the Grid

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Lay the grid with love, and hope that everything settles where it should.
Lay the grid with commitment and know that it will get done, it will happen.
Lay the grid with gratitude, and make everything easier to cope with.
Lay the grid with needs fulfilled, and see how all other things flow with ease.
Lay the grid with awareness, and be present to what is here and now.

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SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 353: Determined

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For the past 30 minutes, I have been determined to avoid writing this. And yet, here I am , because I am also still determined, on day 353 out of 365, to write every day for a year, to keep this commitment to myself. Even if my writing sucks. Even if I don’t know what to write.

I have seen my determination show up in other areas of my lie too: in my desire to show my children my love and support during their challenging moments; to accomplish various things like winning art battle and a juried art show; and in continually being willing to look at the ways I am holding onto my stories and to find ways to move past them.

To learn more about the SelfLove365 project, click here.
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SelfLove365, Year 2, Day 352: Brave

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I don’t know if I can do this. Be brave.
I may not be strong enough. Be brave.
I don’t think I can cope. Be brave.
I might be fucking up everything. Be brave.
What if I can’t do it? Be brave.
What if I fail? Be brave.
What if I don’t survive? Be brave.
What if I forget how to be brave? What if I no longer want to be brave? What if being brave seems too difficult?

I’ll still be alright.
I don’t have to be anything.
I don’t have to say anything.
I don’t have to know anything.
I don’t have to do anything.
I don’t have to.

To learn more about the SelfLove365 project, click here.
To join the SelfLove365 project, click here.