accept | Drawn From the Fire

Sometimes I feel like this self love journey hasn’t helped me one bit. I still struggle, at times, to accept my imperfect body, my inability to always get things done right the first time, and to accept that I am actually loveable and likeable exactly as I am. Often, I find I am more willing to accept my disbelief that I am loveable, my disbelief that I am wanted and desired by my lover, my disbelief that I am perfect as I am: perfectly imperfect.

Why is it so hard for me to move past this disbelief? Because I’ve believed otherwise for 43 years, and my stories have kept me safe from being hurt by others. Why can’t I just let go of the disbelief once and for all? Because I fear that if I say I’m letting go of it, and then it comes back, I will believe I have failed.

Am I willing to suspend my disbelief long enough to allow myself to feel loved by others?
Will I accept that others speak truthfully to me?
Will I accept that I am worthy of love?
Will I accept that I am imperfect?
Will I accept me, as I am, right now?

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I often reject myself – how I am feeling, what I am wanting, my tummy, my breasts, my eyes, my impatience, the kink in my neck, the rods in my back. I am constantly working to accept these things, and then I wind up rejecting them again. Why is it so difficult? Why is rejection my go-to, my primary way of being?

There is safety in self-rejection – if I reject myself first, I am “protected” from the rejection of others, because I’m already there, and I can’t be knocked down any further. The instinct to stay in this rejected “safe” space is so strong, that accepting my parts, all of me, is so fucking difficult. It sounds easy though. And I am doing it, slowly. I bought a bikini two years ago, and I have been sharing my feelings more openly, particularly the ones I don’t want to feel.

To learn more about the SelfLove365 project, click here.
To join the SelfLove365 project, click here.