I create drama in my life when I allow my stories and triggers to take control of my situation. These days, I almost always have the awareness that this is happening, but then further the drama by allowing myself to judge the drama that I am creating. The drama exists mainly within my mind and goes on and on, like a hamster on a wheel.
Today I was able to break free of the downward spiral by giving a voice to the judgements, the stories, and the triggers. I usually am willing to write these things out, but if I’m stuck in a drama of my own making, with another person present, I tend to hold these things back for fear of being “too much”, or just a little bit crazy.
When B suggested today that I voice the judgements and self-defeating thoughts out loud, I had a feeling it would help. I was grateful for the nudge, and grateful for his presence and willingness to openly receive and hear the thoughts of my crazy mind. Allowing the hamster on that wheel to get some air seems to help the wheel to stop spinning – for the time being, anyway.
How much will I allow myself to feel? How far into myself can I reach?
Today I have been practicing asking for what I want, and the first step is figuring out what I want. This feels like a process of diving deep within myself to discover what is there. It’s an excavation. Feeling, allowing myself to feel, also seems like a chiseling away, like Michelangelo finding the sculpture within the block of marble. The more I chisel and the deeper I dig, then the more I can find out what I want, the more I can feel deeply, and live authentically.
My first thought is that faith is a religious concept that I know nothing about. Or a George Michael song. Or trust that things will turn out the way they need to. No wonder I don’t feel a strong connection to the word – I’m not religious, not a George Michael fan (except for Wham), and much of the time, I lack trust.
I want to have faith in the universe and to trust that everything in my life happens to help my soul grow in the way it needs.
For years, I have talked about wanting to have more fun, made plans to have more fun, and thought and wondered why it wasn’t happening as often as I would have liked.
How do I know when I am having fun? Well, there are different levels of fun, it seems, so the feeling in my body differs depending on the level of fun.
Fun at Intensity Level 1 is reading a book I enjoy.
Fun at Intensity Level 3 is playing a game of double solitaire with my daughter.
Fun at Intensity Level 5 is playing strip chess with a sexy man.
Fun at Intensity Level 8 is painting at art battle with lots of people watching, and dancing while I’m at it.
Fun at Intensity Level 10 is best left to your imagination (and my bedroom), but trust me, it’s fun!
I am finding that some of the key elements to fun are meaningfulness, novelty and pushing my boundaries. Trying a new technique in my painting, learning a new recipe, getting a tattoo, hanging out with friends and having awesome, insightful and meaningful conversation, challenging myself to try something scary, like nude modelling – these things are all fun to me.
That’s kind of weird. I chose to listen to “Energy” by Collective Soul a few times today already, and now I see that it’s the word for the day. The lyrics mean nothing to me, but the song does have the ability to get me moving.
This is a lesson I need to keep relearning (see Day 75 about lessons): Keep moving! Lately, I have been wanting to think less and feel more; to obsess less and be present more. Trying to “stop obsessing” is like trying to to get me to not eat Nutella when it’s right in front of my face: not going to happen. I need something else to draw me away, and something effective. It turns out that my body is the answer (which I knew, but conveniently forgot. Again.)
When I dance, I don’t think. When I dance, I don’t obsess. When I dance, I build energy, I create energy, and I have energy.
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I miss laughter sometimes. Especially the deep, hearty, make-tears-spring-from-my-eyes-and-my-belly-ache laughs.
The silver cuff that I wear almost daily has this quotation: “The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.” I haven’t laughed yet today.
My friend sent me a link to an article posted on the Elephant Journal website titled, “F*ck Happiness, I’ll take Freedom instead.” The premise of the article is that happiness is but one emotion among so many others, and choosing to be happy only is too limiting. I agree that I want the freedom to feel the entire range of emotions, to live authentically and intensely, as difficult as that can be sometimes. It seems to me that I can’t force myself to be happy, or to laugh. On the other hand, I tend to be really serious and get caught up in thinking about what is happening internally, about the processes of how my life around me affects my inner world (I took the blue pill, and there’s no going back). My friend Terry tells me often that I should loosen up, that think too much, and I should stop it or he will smack me upside the head. Not the most helpful of tactics, but I take his point. I can get so caught up in thinking and analyzing my triggers and emotions, that I forget to feel. By feeling and letting the emotions pass through me (and I want to add, by not fighting the fact that they are there in the first place), I can allow the space for witnessing humour in my day, and for laughter and joy, if I want it.
This is what I think: learning my lesson means I will no longer have to face it again.
This is NOT TRUE.
No matter how many times I realize this, I keep forgetting, and then realizing it again.
Today I misunderstood a text, which instantly triggered thoughts of being “too much”. I’ve been down this path many, many times, and today I watched it happen, and it was like watching myself fall in slo-motion. It was almost like I could detect the nerve impulse as it triggered an ancient memory, which in turn, triggered a reaction in my body. The more I am able to witness this, the more (I think) I will have the ability to make conscious decisions on how I act/react, and eventually, possibly, how I feel. Whether or not this is the case, I like the idea of being in control of my emotions, rather than the other way around. Maybe someday this will happen. In the meantime, I’ll keep feeling my feelings as they come up, because if there’s one lesson I’ve learned (well, mostly), it’s that the triggers and lessons just keep on coming.