I am starting off a new project and honestly, I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. I’ve already procrastinated for a full hour, looking for a new notebook, changing my music, talking, and now, here I am, but I’m scared. Scared this will be shit. Scared I won’t have anything worthwhile to say. Scared that I won’t stick it out for the whole year. But really, I know I will.
I just finished a whole year of 1-inch drawings and now I’m embarking on a year-long writing project. What the fuck am I doing? I don’t write.
OK, so focus. First of all, like Laurie has said (and I am paraphrasing big time here), “Be OK with writing shit.” If I try to make everything come out perfectly, then it’s not going to happen at all. I already know this, since “Write the SelfLove365 book” has been on my To Do list for months now and hasn’t happened. But I am happy for that, because this is how it is meant to be.
So, each day, I will use my square from 2014 to inspire me to write on the topic of Self Love. And today, it’s about commitment.
I’ve been thinking lately that I no longer believe in commitment, mostly because JP and I have ended our marriage of 16 years. It’s not that I don’t believe in it, but rather, my definition of it has changed, as has my focus. I no longer think of committing myself, and my life, to another person, especially not in terms of duration. Why does committing to a person, or a marriage, mean that now I deny my inner truths just to maintain the commitment? Why did I have the belief that if I commit, then that makes me a good person?
Last night, Stephen spoke of commitment to an activity, which made me realize – YES! that is the type of commitment I want to pursue – commitment to the present moment.
Several years ago, during a Core Connexion dance class, Francis said to me, “You never commit to dancing with me,” and he was right. Since then, every time I dance with him, I am there, 100%.
I’ve noticed lately how half-assed I can be in my activities: entering my financial information while checking Facebook, or painting and taking frequent breaks to check email. Can I commit to the task at hand?
And for 2015, how can I commit to taking care of my body, to treat it as a temple? What steps can I take to commit to feeling my emotions as they arise? And, in what way can I commit to being gentle with myself when I don’t do the things I have said I want to commit to?
This week, I bought myself a self-commitment ring (thanks, Mandy, for the idea), to remind myself of the things I want in my life, and that the only person who can really look after me, is me.
I was about to end there, but I will add that I am committed to writing everyday, even though this could all be crap. Even though I am hating everything as I type it. Even though I am judging every single word. I am also committed to not editing my writing (I am working long-hand, and typing it out afterwards). There. Done.