Poor me.

Let me preface this post by saying that I have fallen off the good-eating wagon, even if only for a few days (I am still exercising, though! Just had to throw that in there.) We went house-boating, and for some reason, I took that as license to buy lots of sugary crap. I’ve been eating it, and now I feel sorry for myself. I’m sure the two things are related, somehow.

So, yes, I’m in that blasted poor me phase today. I’ve been feeling sorry for myself (following a good dose of jealousy). A good friend of mine was away on a trip this past week to visit her amazing group of friends (many of whom are people I would so love to meet). At first I thought I was jealous because she knows, and is friends with, people I would love to be friends with. But then it hit me today – I am jealous of the tribe. I have had many close friends in my life, but I’ve never had a tribe. Meghan (a friend I met in April, but she is not the aforementioned friend) has written about her tribe several times, and this really appeals to me. I have never thought about this much before, but for some reason it is important to me now.

I want to laugh and share and be a part of a group of women who really know each other and love each other.

I want to belong.

I want a tribe.

But I’m not sure how to get one.

Gratitude Tuesday

Today I am grateful for:

Time spent with friends, especially while eating yummy food.
.

Beautiful landscapes.

Knowing the kids had a great first day at their camp today – especially my son, since he was nervous about going for a whole day. He said it was “awesome”!

Sold paintings (thanks Ma!)!

How do you talk to yourself?

How do you talk to yourself? Would you still have friends if you spoke to friends the way you speak to yourself? This is a question posed by Suze Casey in her book, “Belief Re-Patterning“. I just read this part last night, and wouldn’t you know it, I got to experience it today, BIG TIME.

I had planned to meet my friend Shelley (who happens to be a Belief Re-Patterning practioner) at a restaurant tonight (yes, you know where this is going, don’t you?). Today was a lazy day, sitting around the house, watching a movie with the family. We decided to go out for dinner, and about half way through the meal, my hubby says, “Aren’t you supposed to be out with Shelley?”

Holy CRAP.

I don’t think this has ever happened to me before. By this time, it was already 15 minutes after we were supposed to meet. Thankfully, Shelley was very gracious, laughing at the situation, and happy to have a quiet meal to herself. But during our phone call, I was able to hear (in that external watching kind of way) the way I was talking about myself.
“How could I be so stupid?”
“I can’t believe I did this.”
“I want to make it up to you.”
So many ways to put myself down before she had the chance. And no, I don’t talk to my friends this way, so why should I continue to talk to myself like this? I am so grateful to Shelley for being an amazing friend and helping me to see that it was a just a mistake, and doesn’t reflect on who I am as a person or friend. I did end up meeting her at the restaurant, an hour later, and had an incredible dessert and great conversation! Thanks, Shelley.

What little things do you say to yourself that you would never say to your friends? When I reflect on this a little more, I can think of a few.
“I’m such an idiot.”
“That was dumb.”
“It doesn’t matter.” (sometimes this is equivalent to saying, “I don’t matter”)

Can you speak to yourself more kindly? I am going to. I’ll let you know how it goes…

Happy Birthday BFF!

Happy Birthday to my dear friend, Angela (Smangela to me).

Here’s a goofy portrait we had taken in high school:

The pre-prom shot:

Last week!

[The following is reposted from Aug 2, 2011]

Earlier today, my son was wondering who I would call my best friend? According to him, I wasn’t allowed to pick my husband. Well, that’s easy: my BFF and SSS (that’s sweet soul sister, for those of you who haven’t listened to The Cult in a while) Angela. We have known each other since high school. We first met in Grade 10, when Ang had the poor luck of being paired with me for a skating performance in gym class. She ended up pushing me on a chair, because I couldn’t skate. Now that I’ve started writing this, a ton of stories are pouring into my head. There are too many to write about! We have had a lifetime together already.

Some high points:

• putting our competition aside to work together on our Grade 13 art project. We made each other tapes with our own music on it (mine was heavy, thrashy, alternative – think Jane’s Addiction and Ministry; hers was soothing, mellow and beautiful – think Enya and Loreena McKennitt), then painted while blindfolded and listening to the other person’s music. Once that was done, we ripped it up and used it for a massive collage piece.
• The Cult, Depeche Mode and Rolling Stones concerts. Especially the Depeche Mode concert – we literally couldn’t hear for a full day or more after it. Plus, the other stuff that happened.
• Bel and Ang “Sing the Classics” (off-key, on purpose), while Ang’s brother bangs on her bedroom wall for us to shut up
• writing new lyrics to “Wild Boys” (by Duran Duran) for our school
• talking on the phone right after school was over
• taping phone conversations with boys we liked
• sleepovers and going to the kitchen at 2 am for pears
• Ang coming over the night before an essay was due to use my computer
• Ang’s surprise party for me in my basement (I was surprised!!)
• listening to Chris Isaak on the way to Tobermory
• harmonizing to “More than Words” on our way to figure drawing class in Guelph
• Ang visiting last summer – dancing together and finally working through some really old crap about jealousy. Also, we slept in separate bedrooms, but kept yelling to each other down the hall, still giddy from dancing with the guy with the wacky name – Shine, was it?

This is a huge understatement, but I know I am leaving out a ton of stuff here. I may have to do a Part II some day. I am realizing now just how many of my memories are centered around music. No wonder they are such strong memories! I wish we lived closer to each other, but luckily we see each other at least once a year.

I love you, Ang!!

Online Friends and My BFF

Over at Creative Coconuts, Marisa recently asked us about our experience on the “island in the middle of the internet”. She was wondering if it is just one more thing on our technology “to-do” list, or if it is providing the community that we hoped for when we signed up. Luckily for me, it’s been a great experience, and I’ve “met” lots of people that I hope to meet in person one day (possibly next year!). I’m really enjoying getting to know my online friends better.

Earlier today, my son was wondering who I would call my best friend? According to him, I wasn’t allowed to pick my husband. Well, that’s easy: my BFF and SSS (that’s sweet soul sister, for those of you who haven’t listened to The Cult in a while) Angela. We have known each other since high school. We first met in Grade 10, when Ang had the poor luck of being paired with me for a skating performance in gym class. She ended up pushing me on a chair, because I couldn’t skate. Now that I’ve started writing this, a ton of stories are pouring into my head. There are too many to write about! We have had a lifetime together already.

Some high points:

• putting our competition aside to work together on our Grade 13 art project. We made each other tapes with our own music on it (mine was heavy, thrashy, alternative – think Jane’s Addiction and Ministry; hers was soothing, mellow and beautiful – think Enya and Loreena McKennitt), then painted while blindfolded and listening to the other person’s music. Once that was done, we ripped it up and used it for a massive collage piece.
• The Cult, Depeche Mode and Rolling Stones concerts. Especially the Depeche Mode concert – we literally couldn’t hear for a full day or more after it. Plus, the other stuff that happened.
• Bel and Ang “Sing the Classics” (off-key, on purpose), while Ang’s brother bangs on her bedroom wall for us to shut up
• writing new lyrics to “Wild Boys” (by Duran Duran) for our school
• talking on the phone right after school was over
• taping phone conversations with boys we liked
• sleepovers and going to the kitchen at 2 am for pears
• Ang coming over the night before an essay was due to use my computer
• Ang’s surprise party for me in my basement (I was surprised!!)
• listening to Chris Isaak on the way to Tobermory
• harmonizing to “More than Words” on our way to figure drawing class in Guelph
• Ang visiting last summer – dancing together and finally working through some really old crap about jealousy. Also, we slept in separate bedrooms, but kept yelling to each other down the hall, still giddy from dancing with the guy with the wacky name – Shine, was it?

This is a huge understatement, but I know I am leaving out a ton of stuff here. I may have to do a Part II some day. I am realizing now just how many of my memories are centered around music. No wonder they are such strong memories! I wish we lived closer to each other, but luckily we see each other at least once a year.

I love you, Ang!!

My Inner Diva

I used to hate singing in public. I avoided all situations where that might happen. Playing Rock Band has changed all that. I don’t know what it is about this game, but it’s hard for me to give up the mic! Too bad for everyone’s ears! Haha!

This was at Corrie’s suprise birthday party. I love how we, as the rock band, look so intense and focused, and sort of bored. JP wanted to buy Rock Band after that night, but that’s a bad idea. I’d probably never get dinner on the table.

How I Paint and (not) Write

This is my first week of getting back into painting. While my son is in preschool (and daughters are in grade school), I paint. I bring all my stuff to the school and paint in the parent room. Sometimes I end up talking to other parents, sometimes I just read, but mostly I paint. I like to think of myself as the artist-in-residence at our school. Quite an official sounding title, isn’t it?

This painting here is from last school year’s batch. I usually mask out areas, then paint with watercolour, and add the pen work last. That’s the hardest part, for sure. I want to use my own words, but I don’t consider myself a “good writer”, and I am unsure if my words will appeal to others, so I tend to use quotations that resonate for me. I’m starting to grow into the idea of using my own words now, to keep the art more my own (does that make sense? See?! Sometimes I don’t know how to put into words what I’m trying to say!!).

I have had some really great compliments these past two days. One was about me as an artist, and one about me as a friend. The last one was really touching – my friend told me she was thinking about me in the car, about “how cool” I am. Just the fact that she was thinking about me was so wonderful to hear.