This painting will be auctioned on my Facebook page, ending on Thursday, June 20, 2013!

Two of my paintings (above and below) were not accepted into a juried art show at a local art gallery today. Just like last year. Last year, I told myself it was only because of the canvases (the edges were too thin, I was told). This year, I have all sorts of reasons:

I’m not a real artist (whatever that means).

There are words on the paintings and the jury didn’t like words.

My work is too “pretty” (I have heard this statement before), too colourful, trying too hard, too much like somebody else’s work, too this, too that.

OK, I get it, I get it: I suck.

Before you go commenting to tell me this all isn’t true, I want to assure you that I know this. I know the voices in my head are lying to me. I know they are trying to keep me safe (in a weird way), that they aren’t working for me, etc. I get this. And the whole time I think these thoughts, I also have a witness inside of me, that is completely non-judgemental, and knows that none of it matters, none of it is true, none of it is real. I know.

I’m still crying my guts out.

Rejection is giving me ample opportunity to feel my emotions, to be in touch with what is going on for me, to see what is real, and what I am feeding with my energy. As much as I would rather be jumping for joy that I got into an art show, I am also grateful for the chance to feel so deeply. This rejection is stacking onto another rejection from over a week ago – a more personal one, but one that gave me a huge jab in my core; I hadn’t realized just how low my self-esteem was until that day. I’m still not over that one, and now this double dose of rejection has been difficult, to say the least.

You know how lots of self-help books and websites say, “You can’t love others until you love yourself”? I’ve been thinking about this, with reference to rejection. Is it true that I am actually rejecting myself, and that maybe I don’t love myself enough? At first I thought so, but then I realized I was just trapping myself in my old perfectionist ways again. What I was really saying was,

“I’m not loving myself enough. I am not good enough at loving myself”.

I have realized that in reality, I am very good at loving myself. I cry when I need to cry. I call my husband when I need to hear a loving voice during my shitty day. I ask for hugs. I take myself out dancing. I blog (sometimes.. haha!). I ask for what I want.

I also listen to music when I need to listen to music. During my rejection experience last week, I noticed I wasn’t really in touch with “sadness”, even though I felt sad-ish, and knew I would be sad later. I knew I needed a cry, it just wasn’t happening yet. Music to the rescue: I instinctively played Sigur Ros in the car, without really knowing why, and BOOM! A flood of tears, all day long. A few days later, that sadness turned into anger, and Nine Inch Nails has been helping me feel that and move through it.

You know what? I like my paintings, I really do. I have fun making them, I even like looking at them afterwards (except after a few months – I start to cringe if they hang around too long). I am grateful for all the people who like to look at my art online, whether on my blog or my Facebook page. I am especially grateful for those who send me supporting comments and feedback, and the people who purchase my paintings. As much as I do paint for myself, I don’t want to work in a vacuum, keeping it all locked away for nobody to see. I want people to see my work and to enjoy it.

But not everybody will, and that’s alright, too.

The perfect idea came to me – age appropriate, and easily made in the time I had: a felted ball. It is a lot of fun to make, but also equal parts frustration and tiring, especially because my 7-year old son wanted to felt along with me, and it wasn’t going so well for him! I wet-felted the inner core, and then needle-felted the coloured design on top. I love how it turned out!!

I got to see my nephew open his gift via FaceTime today, and my SIL informed me that he has just figured out how to throw a ball in the last few days: what perfect timing!! Yay! I’m not sure who likes the ball more though: my nephew or his dog!!

I am finally getting around to putting up new items in my shop! To start, here is a new greeting card, blank inside, with “present” on the image.

To purchase, click here!

Thank you for your support!

The painting on the cards is one that I made for a show featuring the work of many Calgary artists. We all used a 2′x 2′ base, and the themes were “music”, “wine”, and “the colour red”. When I first made the painting, I had forgotten the “music” theme, but it seems to have come out anyway; when I posted it to Facebook, I had many people comment that it looked like a rock concert, and they could see guitar frets! We had the show opening at Wine-Ohs in Calgary last week.

While we were out of the house, friends of mine graciously lent me their basement to use as a temporary studio space. This is the painting that I gave to them in gratitude for their generosity!

Here are a few paintings that left my studio space last year, without me talking about them. I made the first one for my friend Harold at Gorilla House. When I arrived that night to give it to him, a woman who was visiting GH fell in love with the painting, so I sold it to her and made Harold the new one you see below the first!

Here are a couple of paintings that are hanging around the studio – they are looking for new homes, but I have yet to make listings for them. If you are interested in any, just let me know.

Here I am with my first boyfriend, at National Music Camp (where I was taking lots of drawing courses), in Interlochen, MI. I remember being really shy at the time. One of my fondest memories of him is the time he sat and watched me draw for an hour.

There’s not much to say about the ’88 fashion in this shot: I took off my enormous glasses for the photo, obviously big hair, Ked-style shoes, and pastel Swatch watch.

From the cassette vault: “Never Let Me Down Again” by Depeche Mode, from the album Music for the Masses. This was the song of the summer for me. I even made a drawing (a really, really, REALLY bad drawing) out of it.