DIG Deep

I still tend to spend lots of time doing a whole lot of nothing on the computer – checking Facebook, my blog, Twitter, and on and on; it’s unproductive, a waste of time, and obviously, I start to judge myself when I do it! And just to let you know, between this sentence and the last, I wasted another half an hour. It’s true.

I’m not the type to make New Year’s resolutions, since I tend to see them as “things I won’t accomplish, and so will feel like a failure”. However, I do like to set intentions. Intentions are great, because you can always reset them. They aren’t like resolutions since I am not resolving to do something, but setting an intention do it. I hope to do it, and if I do, great. If I don’t, then I will set the intention again. Maybe I’m just playing with words here, but they seem different to me.

I recently read “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brené Brown. In the book, Brené talks about falling into the mindless “soul-sucking” trap of piddling around on the internet, and uses a “DIG Deep” method of getting out of it. Here’s what she means by “DIG Deep”:
“Get
Deliberate in … thoughts and behaviors through prayer, meditation, or simply setting intentions;
Inspired to make new and different choices;
Going. …take action.”

So, when it comes to wasting time on the computer, I could choose to keep spending time on the computer if I find it relaxing, and if that is my intention in that moment. Or, I could find some other way to deliberately relax. If my intention is to get work done, and it’s just not happening, then I could either buckle down, or find another work task that is not computer related.

My intention for the New Year is to “DIG Deep”, especially when I feel like I am “wasting time”. What is your intention for the New Year?

I would also like to continue with my gratitude practice, and one amazing way to do that is with a gratitude buddy, as pointed out by Andrea Scher. Go check out her blog for the details; it’s a great idea!

Let’s remember the good stuff.

work in progress

Have you ever noticed how people tend to focus on the negative. If someone asks you how your day is going, does your mind come up with the good stuff, or all the little crappy things? Isn’t it interesting how one little crappy thing can overshadow all the good?

On the weekend, I watched a review of the book I contributed to, “Journal It!“. The review was positive overall, and the reviewer recommended the book to her viewers. However,there was one part where she’s flipping through the pages, and while showing my page, she says something about it being the same old stuff. I admit, I was hurt.

But then I remembered how cool it is to be in a book, and how proud I am of what I did contribute to it. And I remembered how one of my goals is to inspire people to create, and while my art may not inspire her, it will hopefully inspire someone else. I remembered that her voice is but one voice, and I need not let it ruin all the positive energy I feel around this book and my work. Also, she is encouraging people to buy the book, which is great!

So, I guess this post isn’t just about remembering the good stuff, but also about remembering how good WE are. When things like this happen, it’s a reminder to me about how fragile my self-esteem can seem, and how I still take other people’s comments way too personally. It hurts in the moment, but I have noticed that I bounce back a lot faster than I ever used to. I’m sure that says something about how I’ve grown, and I’m glad for that.

Do you tend to focus on the positive or the negative? Do you let a negative comment ruin your day?

Remember to enter my “Journal It!” free book giveaway

3 years ago…

This is my post from three years ago today, from my old blog. It’s kind of fun to see where I was and how much has changed (or hasn’t!):

“I am enjoying some (very rare) quiet time. DH was supposed to take the girls for an overnight trip, but one is sick so he took the other and our son instead… which means I am getting a lot of stuff done in a QUIET house. I finished sewing my sweater together, read a chapter in “Nurture Shock” (great read, btw), looked up the cost of plane tickets, and painted some wood pieces that I am going to turn into magnets.

I joined the “100 Drawings” group on Flickr, and was doing keeping up with my 3 paintings/drawings a day (it’s a small sketchbook, so they are fairly manageable), but when I hit about 40 drawings, my back started to act up again. I realized I was putting too much pressure on myself. The point was to kick start my creative output, and it worked. I will still get to 100 drawings, but not in a month. That’s ok, because then I won’t need to upgrade my Flickr account (ha!). It’s a real struggle for me to figure out how to balance motherhood with creativity. I don’t want to do just one. But I also want to do both really well. I almost wrote perfectly, but I really don’t want to be perfect. I want to be great. Most creatively inclined moms that I know are creating once the kids go to bed. Seems reasonable, but sometimes I am too tired (or so I tell myself). Actually, that’s just an excuse. It’s quite easy to fit in even just 1/2 an hour of painting time before bed, and usually by then I am involved enough to not realize how much time has passed.

SO… my goal is to get some things created for the November buying rush – preferably smaller, more affordable things like my painted magnets. I have a friend who asked me to have some things ready that he could show in his office space (which is in a gallery environment). I am going to do this! It’s exciting!

In the meantime, since I have been adding things to do to my life… my 101 List hasn’t been looked at for a little while, so I will check and see if it needs updating. There are definitely some things on the list that won’t be going on next time. I am really finding it difficult to do the reading on the list, especially since I keep buying more books I want to read. As soon as I get a new book, the one I was previously reading goes down in the stack. And so on. I would like to work my way back to some of the books I only got half-way through.”

When artists look for validation.

When artists look for validation outside of themselves, things can get yucky.

For the most part, since April, I have been happy with my painting, and really enjoying the process. I almost always enjoy the compliments I get (I say almost because I’m still working on really taking them in, rather than dismissing them).

Participating in the Gorilla House Live Art battles is really giving me something to work on, as my dear friend Tietje pointed out. Last night, after the auction, and after a fun night of painting, instead of being happy that my two paintings were bought by Valda, a lovely woman who was eager to purchase both, I was instantly bummed that my pieces sold for the lowest they ever have (in a total of four auctions) while other works were getting up to five times as much as mine. As Tietje pointed out, I am allowing the purchase price of my paintings determine my self-worth. I don’t care so much about going home with cash in my pocket, but low sale price seems to equal crappy art, which logically means crappy artist, or not an artist. See how my mind works?

Having had a morning to mull it over, I would say that there were a bunch of little things that ended up in me perhaps not turning out my best work: the themes were not ones that I could immediately relate to; I tried something a little different towards the end of one of my paintings; and I had to pack up my stuff about 10 minutes early to get out of the way for the auction. Being the first adult to auction paintings probably didn’t help much, either, but now I’m kind of looking for reasons why my paintings weren’t the problem.

Things to work on:

It’s OK to have bad days.

It’s OK to produce bad art. That doesn’t make me a bad artist.

It’s OK to feel bummed sometimes. I don’t even have to look for reasons why.

It’s OK to want validation, because without it, aren’t we producing art in a vacuum?

Validation, or lack of it, doesn’t define who I am.

“Success isn’t permanent and failure isn’t fatal.”
Mike Ditka (like my brother says, “Art is just like football. You either win, or you lose.”)

Poor me.

Let me preface this post by saying that I have fallen off the good-eating wagon, even if only for a few days (I am still exercising, though! Just had to throw that in there.) We went house-boating, and for some reason, I took that as license to buy lots of sugary crap. I’ve been eating it, and now I feel sorry for myself. I’m sure the two things are related, somehow.

So, yes, I’m in that blasted poor me phase today. I’ve been feeling sorry for myself (following a good dose of jealousy). A good friend of mine was away on a trip this past week to visit her amazing group of friends (many of whom are people I would so love to meet). At first I thought I was jealous because she knows, and is friends with, people I would love to be friends with. But then it hit me today – I am jealous of the tribe. I have had many close friends in my life, but I’ve never had a tribe. Meghan (a friend I met in April, but she is not the aforementioned friend) has written about her tribe several times, and this really appeals to me. I have never thought about this much before, but for some reason it is important to me now.

I want to laugh and share and be a part of a group of women who really know each other and love each other.

I want to belong.

I want a tribe.

But I’m not sure how to get one.

Parental Advisory: coarse language.

That pretty much says it.

I’m having a really bad painting day. Or, rather, a really good gremlin day. Want to hear what he is saying about me today?

Your paintings are shit.
Why are you doing this?
Eat sugar.
You have no idea what you are doing, do you?
You can’t even sell paintings.
Your paintings are just sitting around doing nothing.
Eat sugar.
Your paintings suck.
You can’t even get the money for the painting you did sell.
Eat sugar.
Lazy ass.

So, yeah. Fuck.

Keep on Moving!

Last weekend we went to a friend’s house to play board games all afternoon, and into the evening. It was a marathon session of gaming! There were 10 people there. I stayed at the high table so I could stand up, and for those of you interested, I played Dominion: Prosperity, Forbidden Island, Yggdrasil (want to buy it!), Fistful of Penguins, and 7 Wonders.

To take care of my back, I usually stand up, whether I’m eating, typing, gaming, you name it. However, seven straight hours of standing in one spot definitely took its toll on my back. While I didn’t get crooked (as I usually do), I did have a very sore and achy lower back. Normally my first instinct when this happens is to slow everything down. I stop my ab workouts (which is usually a good idea), and my movements become very slow and kind of creaky. This time, I decided to keep going to the gym (my regular schedule is every other day), to keep on moving.

I was extra sore yesterday because the day before that I had started the “Couch to 5K” app – yes, I am learning how to run! I never, EVER thought I could run, but I am inspired to do it, and I have no idea why! This morning, I wondered whether I should continue the running, since it was a big reason for my soreness, but I went for it (after promising myself I would stop if it hurt my back at all). During my workout, I felt amazing! I couldn’t tell my back was sore, I felt pumped up (“I’m Hans…I’m Franz… and we’re here to pump… YOU UP!”), and I was totally motivated. So, the moral of this story is something that I already knew from dancing every week, but hadn’t fully translated to my life outside of dance: KEEP MOVING! Our bodies are made to move, and movement can heal.

How do you talk to yourself?

How do you talk to yourself? Would you still have friends if you spoke to friends the way you speak to yourself? This is a question posed by Suze Casey in her book, “Belief Re-Patterning“. I just read this part last night, and wouldn’t you know it, I got to experience it today, BIG TIME.

I had planned to meet my friend Shelley (who happens to be a Belief Re-Patterning practioner) at a restaurant tonight (yes, you know where this is going, don’t you?). Today was a lazy day, sitting around the house, watching a movie with the family. We decided to go out for dinner, and about half way through the meal, my hubby says, “Aren’t you supposed to be out with Shelley?”

Holy CRAP.

I don’t think this has ever happened to me before. By this time, it was already 15 minutes after we were supposed to meet. Thankfully, Shelley was very gracious, laughing at the situation, and happy to have a quiet meal to herself. But during our phone call, I was able to hear (in that external watching kind of way) the way I was talking about myself.
“How could I be so stupid?”
“I can’t believe I did this.”
“I want to make it up to you.”
So many ways to put myself down before she had the chance. And no, I don’t talk to my friends this way, so why should I continue to talk to myself like this? I am so grateful to Shelley for being an amazing friend and helping me to see that it was a just a mistake, and doesn’t reflect on who I am as a person or friend. I did end up meeting her at the restaurant, an hour later, and had an incredible dessert and great conversation! Thanks, Shelley.

What little things do you say to yourself that you would never say to your friends? When I reflect on this a little more, I can think of a few.
“I’m such an idiot.”
“That was dumb.”
“It doesn’t matter.” (sometimes this is equivalent to saying, “I don’t matter”)

Can you speak to yourself more kindly? I am going to. I’ll let you know how it goes…

Being Right

First of all, I AM AN AUNTIE!! WOO HOO!!

OK.. on with the blog post…

My interpretation of this drawing by Z: my gremlin giving me a hard time.

There is this quality about me that, when it rears its ugly head, I don’t want to be near myself. It’s called, “Being right”. I can get so caught up in being right, that I have trouble noticing what else is going on. This happened to me last night, and again today. This quality is intimately tied to “being noticed”. It leads to thoughts like, “What about me?” and “See what I can do!” and “It should be this way” and “Yeah, but, check THIS out”. Luckily, I am able to keep this mostly in check, and don’t get myself into too much trouble. I know now to steer clear (absolutely, completely) of any discussion around circumcision or religion. But still, when this feeling comes up, I feel yucky. I don’t like it, and I don’t like having it.

To help with this, I am reading “Belief Re-Patterning” by Suze Casey. The book is published by HayHouse Publishing, and written by a Calgary author! My dear friend Shelley Wright is a Belief Re-Patterning practitioner. I’ve had several sessions with her and always get a lot out of them (lots of tears flowing!) Do you ever read a book about a technique and think, “This doesn’t work for me”, but mainly because you haven’t given it a real try? Like, tried it for a month or so? I have definitely done that. This time I am giving it a real try, because I know it works for me when I see Shelley. I can feel a real energy shift when I start re-patterning my beliefs. The idea behind it is to link your negative emotions to more positive thoughts, and thus, a different emotion. For example, I have a certain emotion linked to “being right”. I can exactly express what that emotion is, except to say that it feels draining and negative- something like agitated, I think. With BRP, I would be linking that emotion to a more positive way of thinking so that next time it comes up, I can choose the opposite feeling. There are 6 stages: Forgiveness, Permission, Choice, Freedom, Affirmation and Surrender. It would go something like this, spoken out loud, with an inhale and exhale after each:
1.”I forgive myself for believing that I have to be right.”
2.”I give myself permission to let go of the need to be right.”
and “I give myself permission to let go.” (for example)
3.”I know what it feels like to want to be right, and I know what it feels like to let go. I choose to let go.”
4.”I am free to let go at any time.”
5.”I remember the feeling of letting go when I was giving birth to my son. I can let go when I think of this, at anytime.”
6.”I know how to let go.”

Back to being an auntie…

Not being in the same city as the rest of my family when they were at the hospital today was difficult. My gremlin was very outspoken. Every time someone said, “Wish you were here!”, my gremlin said, “Yeah, why aren’t you there? You should be there. You aren’t showing enough support. You aren’t doing enough. You aren’t enough.” Wow. That’s rough. I’m happy to say that it has been quite awhile since it’s sounded this negative, but still. Time for some more re-patterning!

Also… I notice my tendency to want to dispense advice even though it isn’t asked for. I’ll have to keep that in check. The need to give out advice is based on my experience and what I wished had been different, and really has nothing (or not much) to do with what is actually going on with my brother and my sister-in-law. Plus, I’m sure this has a lot to do with wanting to “be right”.

What I learned from Flora.

Close-up of a painting in the early stages.

 

After taking Flora Bowley‘s “Bloom True” intuitive painting course at the Makerie last weekend, these are the things that have stayed with me:

1. Find what’s working and do more of it. This is the same thing Eva says to us in our Core Connexion dance classes.

2. There are no mistakes (always good to be reminded)!

3. Painting is so much fun.

4. I can paint for a whole day without one peep from my inner critic. (Holy CRAP! I never knew this was possible!)

5. The artists that I look up to don’t need to be placed on a pedestal. They are regular people, like me. We can even be friends.

6. I am capable of accomplishing big things.

7. I love my paintings.

8. Having creative friends in my life is crazy important to me.

9. Meeting people in person is so much better than online.

10. My need for quiet time should not be ignored.

11. I trust myself.